Way-Making Phrases for Challenging Interactions

An article in another publication was recently published about how couples can communicate better to increase the odds of a happier relationship. Some of what was written could effectively transfer to leadership, the workplace and business.

That’s what this Communication Intelligence roundtable is about. Included in this conversation are D. Kevin Berchelmann, an executive coach and founder at Triangle Performance; Delee D'Arcy, a therapist-turned specialty communication coach and Daniel Kiburn, the owner at Emergency Action Planning.

“Help me better understand this.”

“Please help me see your perspective.”

“I want to work through this together and I need to understand you better to do that.”

D. Kevin Berchelmann, executive coach, advisor and founder at Triangle Performance

“The ‘Help me better understand,’ is an incredible tool to prompt discussion and clarity,” Berchelmann says. “It shows that I have some understanding, though likely incomplete and have a willingness to learn the beneficial details. Very powerful question with loads of potential uses.”

D'Arcy too notices the high value with this type of communication.

“Statements like these are pure gold in any relationship,” she says. “Listening to input from others does not mean that either of you must accept what is said but instead offers opportunity to collaborate when possible. Creating a sense of value in what others think and believe encourages them to participate while also opening doors for you to hear perspective.”

Differences are not always negatives she asserts.

“Can two perspectives weave together to create an even better outcome? Of course it can,” D’Arcy contends. “The desire to hear another person prevents them from feeling disconnected, unimportant or devalued in the relationship, any relationship.”

The reality, this type of approach is connective within interactions or established relationships.

“Transferrable skills are powerful and show the ability to read the room or your listeners,” D’Arcy says. “Knowing how and when to involve others also positively impacts when you must make a decision because they trust that you listen when you can.”

The questions are useful for building psychological safety and culture.

“It can contribute to a more positive, collaborative and productive environment,” Kiburn states. “It helps build stronger relationships, reduces misunderstandings and promotes continuous learning and growth. When the boss steps in with purposeful questions, great things can happen.”

“I'm listening.”

“I'll stop talking now and really try to listen to your point of view.”

“I want to hear your side of things.”

“Here’s where things can get tricky,” Berchelmann says. “I usually coach my clients to simply say, ‘I’ll shut up now, your turn and I’ll try hard not to interrupt your train of thought. Is it ok if I take some notes?’

“Some keys here are 1) Make a clean break. It’s no longer your turn. It’s theirs 2) Do not interrupt, regardless of comments. Nonverbal interruptions like head-shaking, eye-rolling and misplaced smiles are included here. 3) Really listen. People, more than anything, want to be heard. Take notes and jot down questions if necessary. It keeps you focused and shows respect to the person talking.

Delee D'Arcy, therapist-turned specialty communication coach

“I” language is often criticized, yet D’Arcy likes it with this particular set of questions.

“I appreciate the use of the ‘I’ versus the ‘you.’ These phrases invite interaction and engagement,” she says. “I personally love using ‘Do you need me to listen to hear or listen to help solve?’ And how very respectful these sound to the listener versus ‘my way or the highway.’”

She says these phrases create a positive emotional interaction by inviting togetherness and showing respect. In addition, “They (prevent) resentment and frustration and possibly a sense of distrust over time,” D’Arcy says.

Kiburn asserts a contrary point of view with the use of the statements in this section of the conversation.

“The initial statements ‘I'm listening..." or ‘I'll stop talking now and really try to listen to your point of view’ should never have been uttered,” he says, “as they convey a sense of hostility and lack of interest in their employees' opinions.

“These remarks could possibly damage the working relationship and apologies are in order. On the other hand, the statement, ‘I want to hear your side of things,’ holds weight and should be utilized to resolve the issue at hand by actively seeking to understand the situation and correct it,” Kiburn says.

He does state that employers have a responsibility to “value the feedback of their subordinates and take steps toward creating a healthy and communicative workplace culture.”

“I'm sorry. I didn't communicate my feelings in a respectful way to you and I'm sorry for that.”

“I didn't like the way you acted but I also need to apologize for lashing out.”

“Man, oh man, why are apologies looked at with such fear among leaders?” Berchelmann asks. “They are one of the most powerful relationship-builders in a leader’s toolbox, demonstrating both humility and transparency, with a dose of integrity.

“And none of this qualified apology crap, like ‘Had I just known…” or ‘If you had just come to me earlier…” No, it’s simply ‘I screwed up, I’m sorry.” Maybe some remorse like ‘I’ll do my best not to do that again,’ or similar.

“Then be quiet and let that settle in. Sincere apologies should follow every leadership misstep, not just the ones that get the attention of a crowd.”

D’Arcy offers a slight correction in the language in one of the phrases.

“The one thing I'd change about the last statement — ‘I didn't like the way you acted, but I also need to apologize for lashing out,’” she says, “would be to say ‘and’ versus ‘but.’ ‘I didn't like the way you acted and I need to apologize for lashing out.’ Both statements are true.”

Words are important, oftentimes critically so yet to respected and valued they have to be teamed with behavior.

“The best apology is changed behavior and a well-meaning verbal apology (which) can go a long way in healing a moment,” D’Arcy says. “Being cautious to not apologize for someone's feelings but for the actions that caused the feelings such as 'lashing out.’

“Taking responsibility for one's role in a bad situation goes a long way towards creating respect and building or rebuilding trust,” she adds.

The courage to address errors not only impresses, it teaches us important lessons it is influential.

“Acknowledging one's own behavior is both humbling and powerful,” D’Arcy says.

Daniel Kiburn, owner of Emergency Action Planning

Professionals don’t always realize the risk management properties of regret and remorse that are expressed well.

“When you genuinely say ‘I'm sorry,’ and communicate it in a way that feels sincere, it can help mitigate various issues and offer additional benefits,” Kiburn explains.

He presents the bottom-line, cold reality.

“The leader is 100% responsible 100% of the time,” Kiburn says. “Apologizing is a powerful weapon in the arsenal of any leader striving to build healthy relationships.”

He elaborates how doing so earns attention, respect and trust.

“It takes a lot of courage to admit wrong and take responsibility, but the benefits are priceless,” Kiburn says. “Sincere expressions of remorse can heal cracks in relationships, clarify misunderstandings, foster forgiveness, facilitate communication and build trust.”

This consistent effort and commitment reveals to people around you a strength a person might not understand they are conveying.

“Remember,” Kiburn says, “a leader who apologizes genuinely and effectively is always in control of the situation.”

He points out the skillful communication presented in this roundtable help organizational leaders succeed in ways they might not have previously known.

“In short, these phrases can help to build trust, resolve conflicts, improve communication, empower others, and avoid misunderstandings, assumptions and defensive responses.”

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