That Strength of Yours May Also be a Weakness
“Any strength used to an extreme can become a weakness.”
Hogwash, (or something to that effect), we say. Yet research shows, yes, we can take strengths too far, to the point where they reveal weakness in thought, impulse control and behavior, a topic that Robert E. Kaplan and Robert B. (Bob) Kaiser wrote about in their article, “Stop Overdoing Your Strengths,” in the Harvard Business Review.
“This is a common problem,” they write. “Most managers can point to an off-kilter leader—the supportive boss who cuts people a little too much slack, for instance, or the gifted operational director whose relentless focus on results leads to hypercontrol.
“But it’s extremely difficult to see such overkill in yourself.”
To that point, they provide evidence.
“55% of the managers were rated by coworkers as using too much of at least one leadership attribute, but the majority of those managers did not rate themselves as overdoing that attribute,” Kaplan and Kaiser write of the natural blind spot.
In short, to no surprise, we can easily come to see shortcomings in other people. We’re just not expertly observant and honest with ourselves. People notice though.
“And that’s where leadership development tools are failing us,” Kaplan and Kaiser report, going on to explain:
“Dividing qualities into strengths and weaknesses implicitly ignores strengths overdone. Given this incomplete mental model, it is no surprise that most leadership 360s employ five-point rating scales in which high scores are the best. Such tools overlook a key lesson from decades of research on derailment: More is not always better, and executives lose their jobs when their strengths become weaknesses through overuse.”
This is an important topic in professional and personal relationships, interacting with strangers and just living our lives independently.
Strengths can and do go unrestrained and uncontrolled and not everyone comes to learn or accept it.
Ray W. Christner
“When a strength is overemphasized without regard to context or balance, it can backfire, creating challenges in personal effectiveness and well-being,” Ray W. Christner, Psy.D., a licensed psychologist, nationally certified school psychologist and nationally registered health service psychologist, tells Communication Intelligence magazine.
“Think about the strength of being highly detail-oriented. This trait can be a tremendous asset for the person. However, when taken to an extreme, this strength can lead to perfectionism, causing one to miss deadlines or fail to complete tasks because they’re caught up in meticulous details.
“Or something like being highly empathetic is unquestionably a strength, especially in professions like counseling or nursing. Yet, without boundaries, excessive empathy can lead to emotional burnout or difficulty making tough decisions because we don’t want to upset others.”
There’s something highly important that is missing.
Carl Nassar
“It might sound cliché, but it’s nevertheless true,” says Carl Nassar, Ph.D., a therapist, clinical trainer, supervisor, researcher and writer. “The key to life is balance.”
The problem, to a large degree, is connected to societal expectations and rewards.
“We live in a culture that reinforces certain traits within each of us and encourages us to downplay other parts of ourselves,” Nassar says, adding that, “As a result, we often find ourselves out of balance, and, once out of balance, our strengths can quickly become our weakness.”
He, like Christner, provides an example.
“Most of us are encouraged to be driven and highly motivated, and don’t get me wrong, these can be wonderful strengths. They allow us to go out in the world and build new and exciting things, everything from new inventions to new organizations,” Nassar says.
“But, on the flip side, being driven often has us downplaying leisure time and time spent with each other, so we might end up so driven that it takes over time with family and friends and time to do the things that grant us feelings of renewal.”
When strengths are not being well managed, that problem — recognized or not — can lead to different issues.
“When a strength becomes a weakness, it doesn’t just affect the individual,” Christner says. “It can have a ripple effect to others and the broader situation.”
He breaks down what he is saying.
“When we lean too heavily on a particular strength, we might neglect other important skills or areas of personal growth, leading to a lack of harmony and adaptability,” Christner says. “In interpersonal relationships, pushing a strength to an extreme can also lead to misunderstandings or conflicts, as others may perceive the behavior as overbearing, insensitive or obsessive.”
Think of high achievers and what they don’t usually recognize yet people around them certainly do.
“If you’re very driven, then you’re likely in a hurry when you’re with other people and the research shows hurrying together disrupts social capital,” Nassar says. “Time spent together when rushed and focused on getting things done quickly is negatively correlated with building strong relationships.”
The costs are painful, if not immediately, then certainly eventually, in a compound manner.
“And what do you miss out on?” Nassar asks.
First, he talks about what can be gained by controlling strength turned to weakness.
“Research demonstrates that slowing down and taking the time to talk in-depth, with a willingness to be genuine and vulnerable, leads to the formation of lasting connections,” Nassar details.
“Slowing down to make time to authentically catch up, to joke around and play together, to communicate affectionately and to engage in simple shared activities, all strengthen the bonds that connect us to one another. All this is missed when we’re overly driven.”
The remedy for successfully governing our strengths and not allowing them to become destructive to situations, other people or ourselves?
“We must acknowledge and have pride in our strength but the key is to have self-awareness and harmony with other aspects of life,” Christner recommends.
“This can begin with self-reflection; regularly take time to reflect on your actions and motivations. Ask yourself if you’re relying too heavily on a particular strength and how it’s affecting you, your relationships and your goals.”
He admits that it’s not always simple to see the influence and negativity that our thinking and actions are having on people and situations.
“Sometimes, it’s hard to see how our behaviors impact others,” Christner says. “Getting open, honest feedback from friends, family or colleagues can provide valuable insights. With these insights, we can then develop complementary skills.
“If you’re naturally detail-oriented, for example, work on big-picture thinking or delegation. Building skills that complement your strengths can help you become more versatile and prevent overreliance on any one trait.”
Nasssar concurs with Christner about the value of a certain need.
“The key to managing our strengths so they don’t become weaknesses is awareness. Most of us don’t realize — or don’t realize until it’s far too late — how our strengths have become our weaknesses.”
The driven person says, “‘Look at all I’ve accomplished,’ and while she feels a lingering sadness in her heart over all the relationships that could have been but never were, she plows over these feelings by getting driven to accomplish again.”
That doesn’t have to be the ongoing reality yet something new has to begin to put an end to it and overcome the status quo.
“If we’re going to change this, the key is awareness,” Nassar says. “And there are two doorways to awareness, the first inside ourselves and the second with the help of others.”
He goes on to paint a picture of what this looks like in practice.
“First, we can learn to slow down and check in with ourselves. We all have that still, soft voice within, the voice that knows us, the voice that can truly guide us,” Nassar says. “But we need to slow ourselves down and make time to listen, to really listen, to what we already know down deep.
“Next, we can learn to ask the people around us for honest feedback. Our spouses are usually quick to tell us what they don’t like about what we’re doing relationally. Rather than defend, we can learn to listen. And we can ask the people we genuinely trust for their input: What do they think our strengths are, and how are they becoming weaknesses?”
“For most of us, such a transition is quite difficult,” Kaplan and Kaiser write. “If you can’t, for example, imagine that there’s such a thing as being too results oriented (which might lead you to drive your team too hard) or too principled (and maybe preachy, judgmental, or intolerant), you’re a poor candidate for change.”
Personal and professional development do remain possible for us, yet it requires something emotionally, psychologically, habitually strenuous.
“We must embrace flexibility,” Christner advises.
“Keep in mind that situations change and so should our responses,” he offers as a reminder. “Being flexible in how and when you apply your strengths can help ensure they remain assets rather than liabilities.”
Christner does bring up a clarification to avoid a natural, potential misinterpretation of what he is stating.
“It is important that we realize that by doing this, we are not diluting our strengths, but instead, using them wisely and in proportion to the situation at hand,” he says. “It is like finding that ‘sweet spot’ where our strengths can shine without overshadowing our ability to adapt and grow.”
“Managers are always at risk of being one-dimensional—and often blind to what they sacrifice as a consequence,” Kaplan and Kaiser communicate.
“Your company may be able to help you mitigate the risks by holding up a mirror to your overused strengths and lopsided tendencies (arguably, you’re owed the information), but you can’t count on it.”
The cold reality, welcomed or not?
“Now more than ever, it’s your job to take control of your career—and it is in your power to manage your strengths so that they do not become weaknesses,” they state.
And ideally, Nassar asserts, “When we learn about who we really are and who we’re becoming, we find ourselves motivated to shift course so we can live our best lives.”
