Easier Daily Negotiating Without Manipulating

Susie Tomenchok

Negotiations can sometimes — or maybe oftentimes — feel stressful, arduous and even manipulative by one party, maybe both parties. That is but one reality.

There is a more knowledgeable, thoughtful, skillful, practical approach.

“The Art of Everyday Negotiation Without Manipulation,” authored by
Susie Tomenchok, a negotiation coach and executive coach, communicates how we can learn and experience easier, more successful interactions.

She writes that “Negotiation has such a bad reputation,” yet it can also be seen and experienced in an entirely different light: positive and appreciative.

“We all have a different relationship with negotiation based on a past experience in which we felt manipulated or powerless,” Tomenchok says. “But the word invites us to understand the situation from the other person’s point of view. I like to encourage people to use the word more liberally to understand it in this context.”

She briefly details what this can look like in practice:

“Imagine how this would change the approach in these examples:

“At work: ‘Let’s negotiate our priorities’ with a colleague when resources are limited. This helps find common ground and solutions that work for both projects.

“At home: ‘Let’s negotiate what movie to watch tonight’ with your partner. This allows you to hear each other's preferences and choose from the current list of blockbusters. The decision moves from which one to when to enjoy each.

“With kids: ‘Let’s negotiate the order of your chores’ with your child. This empowers them to participate in creating a schedule and can make chores less of a battle.

“When we consider it in this context, we understand that it is a powerful way to approach a situation differently.”

Of course, the word usually brings to mind professional exchanges with a lot on the line. However, there are far more needs and wants that we could be communicating about effectively and becoming more satisfied.

“We can all agree that we face high-stakes situations occasionally when we negotiate a new job, ask to be promoted or buy a car, yet we face high-stakes situations more regularly when we move through a scenario where the outcome is important to us,” Tomenchok points out.

It makes sense then, she contends, to learn, practice and improve how we strategically plan and collaboratively communicate.

“By using negotiation in these everyday situations, we become comfortable with the concept and develop the skills we need to tackle high-stakes situations,” Tomenchok asserts, providing her reasoning, “The more we practice, the better equipped we are to approach high-stakes situations with a clear plan and the intention of reaching a positive outcome.”

Many people have experienced and will experience feelings of intense nervousness and anxiety approaching and participating in negotiation. Tomenchok says that the book, “… will help you get more of what you want without sweaty palms or panic attacks.”

Preventing or overcoming debilitating stress, sweaty palms, a lack of confidence or panic attacks is the challenge at hand.

“Professional negotiators leverage a framework to help them work through a high-stress, high-stakes negotiation,” Tomenchok says.

“They rely on the structure in their preparation to aid in moving them through the emotion when they are in the heat of the moment.”

She explains further.

“Every good negotiator understands that the power is in the preparation so that your future self has a plan and won’t get triggered unexpectedly, which can result in bad decisions, wrong moves or agreeing to something you don’t want.”

Author Conversations: Communication Intelligence magazine

She talks about how a certain framework, titled P.A.C.E. can help a person “thoughtfully navigate any high-stakes conversation, whether with a person who works for you who is not meeting expectations, having a difficult conversation addressing a concern with a friend or advocating for your own career development.”

This is exciting, she promises, because it results in “increasing the stakes to your benefit toward a successful outcome.”

She explains how it works:

P - Prepare: Planning the approach keeps you focused, increases agility, and prevents emotional triggers from derailing from the goal.

Aware: Stay present and in tune with the other person’s interests and understanding to move them through the negotiation to the close.

This allows you to adapt your communication and framing to create clear and intentional moves.

C—Close: Know when and how to end the conversation effectively. It is critical to identify when the other party says ‘yes’ and then formalize that agreement. An apparent closing keeps everyone on the same page and avoids misunderstandings.

E—Evaluate: Once the dust settles, it is important to evaluate the situation to determine what worked, what came naturally and where improvement is needed. This accelerates skill-building and confidence for future high-stakes conversations.

This method, consistently applied, lessens the likelihood of what we don’t want happening and acts as a catalyst for what we are ethically pursuing.

“By following PACE, an individual can turn stressful situations into successful outcomes,” Tomenchok says. “Not only will they achieve better results at the moment, but they will also build the habits to approach any conversation with increased skill and confidence.”

As mentioned earlier, it is a necessary skill and commitment to “find out what the other party secretly wants,” if a conversational, frame-worked negotiation is to move in a productive direction.

That isn’t always top of mind and natural when people are focused on their own needs or wants. Even if this duty is part of someone’s approach, trust and disclosure by the other person or people may not come.

“We are not mind readers but if we prepare and shake out all possible interests of both sides and all aspects of leverage, we can be thoughtful about what is important to the other person,” Tomenchok says.

There’s gold in this patient, unselfish, curious path and checkpoint.

“Harvard teaches negotiation for leaders and they have said that when they put groups in simulations and have one group take 30 seconds to consider the other party’s interests, these individuals have measurable better results,” Tomenchok offers as food for thought.

The takeaway is that, “it is important to imagine what is important to them and then ask the right questions to tease out their interests,” she advises.

This becomes possible when the proper communication and respect is authentically expressed during communications leading up to and during the negotiation.

“This is most effective when the parties have high trust, so considering your relationship equity and how to build on the trust is another important component,” Tomenchok says.

People are not always going to be trusting and that is a “block” to learning what satisfies and motivates others. Then there are the clear, selfish negotiators that are life’s reality.

“When a person is not open to sharing, there may be an issue with the relationship, or this party could be game-playing,” Tomenchok says.

“You don’t want to show all of your cards but when both parties are motivated to have a good relationship after the negotiation, they are more likely to share and discuss what is important to them, in order to find an outcome that works for both parties,” she asserts.

Tomenchok talks about a concept that all may not yet be familiar with yet is useful to understand and learn: the black swan.

“During a negotiation, there might be a crucial piece of information that the other side needs to feel comfortable (with for) agreeing to a deal,” she explains. “This information is like a hidden factor, something we might not be aware of at first. This hidden factor is commonly referred to as a ‘black swan.’”

Being cognizant of the potential presence of the black swan in negotiation

Tomenchok summarizes this point.

“The key idea is that we can’t know everything in a negotiation,” she says as a reminder. “By keeping an open mind and asking questions, we can try to uncover this ‘black swan’ — what might be truly important to the other side or even a completely unexpected factor that neither of you considered.”

It can be overlooked in many a negotiation and it becomes risk assumed as it relates to the outcome. There is value then in considering the presence of this type of concern, Tomenchok advises.

“Believing in the possibility of a black swan helps in two ways,” she says.

“First, it prevents us from getting stuck in a set mindset. If we’re too sure we’re right, we might miss clues leading to a better deal.

“Second, it gives us hope that there might be a hidden path to success, a way to reach an agreement that works for both sides.”

There are additionally situations, she admits, where a black swan can be a disadvantage for you within a negotiation.

“Considering that we may discover this hidden factor during the negotiation, it will help us shift to an objective mindset and remain clear-headed. We need to decide if it’s still worth negotiating or if it's better to walk away,” Tomenchok explains.

Another premise in the book that could attract heightened attention from readers is the comment that it might not be too late to get what you really want, despite what our emotions, perceptions or other people are telling us.

“It’s generally too late once someone else has been given the contract or filled the position. But be cautious about completely closing the door,” Tomenchok encouragingly warns. “Situations can change, so you never know what the future holds.

“Let me share a real-life example,” Tomenchok begins. “A woman I met last week used my book to return after getting two ‘no’s’ from her boss. She reset and applied a negotiator mindset to help her boss make a different decision.

“She didn’t get discouraged by the dead ends and instead decided it was important enough for her to try again. By approaching the situation differently, she achieved success. The key is courage and situational awareness.

“We need to be brave in pursuing our goals, while also being aware of the specific situation and how decisions are made in that environment.”

The truth is, trial and error and persisting through disappointment and-or frustration is a part of success.

“The perfect approach doesn’t exist,” Tomenchok says. “We can’t know the other side’s exact strategy, budget limits or best tactics, which creates a challenge.”

She goes back to a constant point of hers.

“That’s why a negotiation mindset is so valuable. By approaching every situation from this perspective, even if you don’t always win, you gain valuable insights into your work culture and how others approach situations.

“You learn more about how decisions are made within the organization, what negotiation strategies work best and the importance of timing,” Tomenchok teaches.

While a person can learn and go it alone in most situations it may be more advantageous in certain situations to connect with some and become a more knowledgeable, powerful team.

“For high-stakes situations, especially when something is very important to you, consider getting help from a coach or mentor,” Tomenchok suggests.

“They can guide you in applying the right level of pressure and negotiation techniques that best navigate the situation.”

Her ambition and commitment is to help people adopt and regularly implement the mindset of negotiating “and unlock opportunities everyday.”

She consistently stresses that, “Negotiation isn’t just for big deals; it is a strategic set of tools to maneuver with intention. I find people are intimidated by the language. I want to make it a common language so the illusion of difficulty doesn’t inhibit us.”

This confidence and belief of course came from her own experiences.

“I used to work in a corporate environment, and even as a busy mom, I learned the power of using negotiation skills to get what I needed, professionally and at home with my teenagers,” Tomenchok remembers.

There was also pain as a life teacher and those lessons can be among the most memorable and repetitive.

“I realized I missed opportunities because I didn’t think about advocating for myself strategically,” Tomenchok says. “My book is here to show you that you can use these same skills in your own life. You don’t have to be the ‘squeaky wheel’ or the most outspoken person to get ahead.”

She crystalizes what the planning and communication practice means.

“Negotiation is about stepping up. In my work as an executive coach, I see how these skills can strengthen leaders. Negotiators approach every interaction as a chance to gain something positive,” Tomenchok observes.

“As leaders, you can use this same approach to influence your team, inspire them and clarify what everyone needs to win,” she adds. “The goal is to find solutions that benefit everyone involved, including the company.”

Tomenchok offers an easy truthful takeaway to encourage and empower negotiators or aspiring ones.

“The more a person sharpens their mindset, skills and situational awareness, the more they will continue to have positive outcomes.”