‘We Want to Communicate Better’
Milan Kordestani converses about the challenges and possibilities for civil communication.
As society becomes increasingly polarized and divided, cultural cordiality is in crisis. Without the learned ability for communicating effectively and respectfully with those whose opinions differ from our own, societal strife will continue to spur avoidable discord, says author Milan Kordestani.
In his book, “I'm Just Saying: A Guide to Maintaining Civil Discourse in an Increasingly Divided World,” he hopes to elevate the national conversation about what he says is the art of maintaining courteous communication.
What inspired the challenging commitment to write this book?
I have been writing articles online since I was 13, so writing a book has been a goal of mine for quite some time. When I was approached to write a book on civil discourse, I knew that it would be a challenge but also an opportunity to talk about something that I am deeply passionate about.
I wanted to take the hard lessons I learned as the founder of digital publication The Doe and share them with others, inspiring them to explore civil discourse and reflect on their own discursive habits.
My own frustration with the quality of public discourse online and in the public sphere motivated me to provide others with the tools they need if they want to be a part of better conversations, too.
In some ways, I wasn’t prepared for how hard the commitment was: the writing itself was refreshing, but the decision-making process around what to include was the hardest part.
But the more I wrote, the more I was inspired to bring others into a collaborative conversation about what discourse can be in the future.
You believe civil discourse as a more widespread habit is possible. In what is your confidence and faith rooted Milan when we see a world that is stressed, anxious, often intensely angry, aggressive with one another — and increasingly tribal?
We do see a world that is stressed, anxious and more aggressive than ever before - that is one of the most serious consequences of the breakdown of civil discourse.
Yes, our society was already struggling with polite and civil discourse in the buildup to 2020, but the pandemic only further stretched the distance and divides between us. But have you ever had a constructive, positive, impactful conversation with someone and felt the thrill of being understood?
Of course - we can all relate to that sense of connection and it's in that sense of connection that I have faith.
I am confident that we can make civil discourse a wider habit because so many of us want to reject the trend of anger and aggression and embrace the collaboration and security of meaningful and enjoyable discourse.
We want to communicate better and we want to feel understood. We want to share empathetic experiences.
Given the tools and opportunities, anyone can relieve some of the stress and anxiety in their lives by embracing more civility and collaboration.
The first part of the book's title: I'm Just Saying. How did that come to be the choice?
‘I’m just saying’ is a common phrase people use to actively defend their opinions for its uniqueness. Often it’s said out of frustration for not feeling heard or respected in conversation.
In the book, I talk about the importance of active listening and self-awareness as means to create civil discourse in our lives.
To me, the title conveys a sentiment of decisiveness in your opinion, with a hint of defensiveness and ego. It’s the quintessential example of a difficult conversation in progress or difficult subject being discussed.
This book welcomes such conversations and offers tools to address those issues while also highlighting how the stories from my life helped me learn to improve my discourse.
What do you have the least confidence in societally when it comes to creating more civil and ideally, helpful discourse?
While I am optimistic about our ability to build a society where the majority values civil discourse, I have significant concerns regarding the role of large social media platforms in fostering respectful and meaningful discussions online.
The growing prevalence of echo chambers is exacerbating political divides, which is troubling.
Moreover, it is difficult to envision a society that prioritizes civil discourse if our political leaders do not embody these ideals. For example, when political debates devolve into shouting matches, it undermines the importance of respectful dialogue.
A government that continually undoes its own progress, suppresses dissenting voices and lacks representation from younger generations hinders the advancement of American culture.
Youth perspectives are particularly crucial when addressing modern technological challenges, as older generations of government officials often struggle to grasp these issues.
However, our current culture often discourages citizens from pursuing careers in politics or government positions, due to the hostile environment and lack of faith in our establishments right now.
What was your favorite part of the book to write?
Throughout the book, I feature case examples that help the reader understand civil discourse better. My favorite parts of the book to write were some of those sections, where I could explore inspiring figures such as Mr. Rogers and Oprah.
I have always admired these figures and I enjoyed getting to delve deeper into their backgrounds and explore why they have been so impactful in the realm of civil discourse.
What is the risk of us as humanity continuing down the road of seemingly more frequent and greater hostile communication towards one another instead of listening, learning and respectfully, compassionately working together?
Discourse is the foundation of the human experience and permeates everything that we do. As our communication becomes more and more hostile, so do all our interactions with each other.
From the political insurrections of January 6th to America's continuous struggle with gun violence, we can see the dangerous consequences of the breakdown of civil discourse. But we also see growing signs of alienation and disconnection, another consequence of our increasingly hostile communication.
Higher rates of mental health problems, suicide and drug abuse across our nation can in part be attributed to broken down discourse, doxing, alienation, and loneliness.
When people no longer feel connected, and when we lack empathy for others, we face both aggression and despair within our communities. But these risks can be mitigated by each embracing civil discourse in our conversations in person and online.
What is achievable, practically, when it comes to civil communication, compassion and greater humanity?
Certainly, the question of what is achievable when it comes to civil communication is one that has challenged philosophers, visionaries, and writers from Plato to Jefferson to Musk today.
I believe that it is very possible for us, as individuals and members of society, to improve our personal discourse and raise the overall quality of public discourse. Through active listening and self-reflection, we are able to reject our biases, express compassion and connect to the stories and experiences of greater humanity.
Perhaps more importantly, I believe that we live in an era of great progress, when new technologies offer yet unimagined opportunities for what is achievable.
As we embrace the possibilities presented by AI, web3 and other evolving technologies, we can build innovative tools that will make compassion and empathy more achievable and more globalized than ever before.
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