Facts as Feelings Often Due to Timing

Jennifer Erickson, Health Psychologist and Licensed Professional Counselor.

"Feelings are facts," tweeted writer James Clear.

"Many people hope to convince others by clearly explaining the external facts of the situation,” he continued, “but they often ignore the internal emotions of the other person. Usually, the most important 'fact' to consider is how the other person is feeling right now."

Humans often criticize each other when they don’t make the connection between facts and feelings in their minds. It’s understandable yet unhelpful to gaining understanding or solving conflicts or relationship problems.

Jennifer Erickson, Ph.D.
Health Psychologist and Licensed Professional Counselor
Anxiety and Wellness Counseling

“I wanted to share on this topic because it comes up so much. I see this topic being at the core of effective communication. I agree with what James Clear stated and the last part of the statement, ‘Usually, the most important 'fact' to consider is how the other person is feeling right now.’

“Too many times one person wants to communicate with another, even with logic and fact, but they never stop to consider how the receiver is doing. And communication is only effective if it goes two ways. One-way communication is a waste of time and effort. Someone speaking at another doesn't actually help anything.

“If people really want to get thoughts, inquiries, or ideas across to others they need to confirm that the receiver is both emotionally and cognitively ready for the communication. As much as we have advanced in society, we have lost the nuance for effective and respectful communication.”

Erickson’s original response to me proved to be a catalyst for more in depth conversation.

How do we best/successfully accomplish that task of effective communication, I wondered.

“This is much easier in a relationship because we have more time to share why we are different and at the same time it can be hard to truly understand. For example, I can describe to you what small town — population 1000 — living is like. You can hear my words and cognitively understand, but you really can't emotionally or internally, as in values, understand unless you have been there.

“That is why so many people get angry. They are speaking clearly, concisely, and even compassionately, but humans need to be able to relate to understand. How do we solve that? We need to not always focus on the facts, but rather the feelings.

“Many therapists cannot relate to our clients experiences, but we can relate to the emotions of pain, loneliness, isolation, fear, low confidence, etc. We ask people to talk about that.

“When we actually listen more to how someone felt, we can usually gain compassion. Again, this is why we need to be in a good place to listen, so that someone is free to speak without being attacked or judged; they can be authentic.

“And then the receiver of the information asks about their feelings on the matter. And then we can get more into the details of the communication. It makes for a much better experience at communication.”