‘COIN’ Solves Uneasy Conversations

Antonia Bowring

We’ve all faced those challenging discussions that leave us feeling uneasy or uncertain about the outcomes. It’s in these moments, one expert says, that the value of a good communication framework becomes crystal clear.

That recommended framework, says Antonia Bowring, an executive coach in New York City who primarily works with founders, C-suite executives and leadership teams, is called C.O.I.N.

This method promises a powerful solution for people seeking to enhance their ability to handle difficult discussions with confidence and finesse.

Solutions for difficult conversations and people are nothing new. They’ve been around for years. Bowring speaks to what, if anything, makes the C.O.I.N. approach different and maybe, ideal for more practitioners of it.

“I was privileged to work as a facilitator for a company that used this framework as the core of one of its learning modules and participants loved it,” she says. “It was always the most highly-rated module.”

The method or process of C.O.I.N. stands for Common Purpose (C), Observations (O), Inquiry (I) and Next Steps (N).

“There are three key aspects that make this approach different,” Antonia says that she can briefly talk about and explain.

“First, the simplicity of the acronym and the check-list format of this framework make it very easy to remember and that is critical,” she contends, “when you are in a challenging, emotion-heavy conversation.

“Second, the two parts.  The preparation — do I lean to ‘tough’ or ‘soft?’ and the actual checklist for the conversation itself.

“Third, it’s also a brilliant reflection tool,” she says. “You can always pull it out, figuratively speaking, after the fact, as a way to debrief with yourself.”

There is a piece of advice that Bowring wants to point out and highly recommend. “Never have an important conversation without preparing for it,” she says. “Use this framework — I’m biased. Write notes.”

The reason being is obvious, she says.

“It’s inevitable that many folks get flustered in charged conversations. That’s normal because our body goes into fight, flight or shut-down mode,” Bowring explains.

Starting from a position of intelligence for greater odds of success is vitally important and offers often-desired benefits.

“By having done the prep, you are more confident and have more tools in your conversational toolkit,” Bowring says.

She breaks down of what C.O.I.N. looks like.

Common purpose, even if there is tension between everyone remains the best starting point.

“This is the starting point of life,” Bowring says, adding, “We have learned through neuroscience that when we create positive intention with someone else that they are more likely to hear us and engage with us.”

This affects us emotionally.

“Knowing that you and I share a common purpose unites us in finding a solution. There is always a common purpose but sometimes you have to dig for it. That is where preparation is so important,” she explains.

Observations in difficult conversations are emotionally challenging yet observations anchored in facts and data can be respectfully communicated.

“It takes practice,” Bowring says. “And while this sounds simple, it is not.  We having to separate emotion from fact. I like to use the image of a video camera — an observation is what the video camera picks up — the visuals, the words. It is not your feelings about the situation.”

She says there are key questions to ask oneself.

• What are the facts and data that we can draw on?

• How do I present my version of the facts and data?

• How do I invite the other person to share their observations?

• Can I use “I” statements to help keep my assumptions and generalizations in check

Inquiry, Bowring says, “is a dance between observations and motivations” that involves “asking thought-provoking questions and seeking to understand the other person’s point of view.”

“Three key aspects here,” she begins, “listening, curiosity and ‘C,’ common purpose.

“Listening is at the heart of inquiry and, yes, it takes practice. Active listening is becoming a tired refrain, isn’t it?, “Bowring asks, adding that, “We all know that we should listen better but its tough in today’s highly distractible world.

“We need to keep our awareness up and there are tips and tactics for us to improve our listening. For instance, 1) a few moments of mindfulness before a meeting 2) ensure you don’t speak before the other person is finished 3) getting comfortable with pauses and silences and 4) listening via the other person’s body language.

“Curiosity is key too,” she adds. “I used to say that empathy was but I have realized that can be a high bar to jump over. But curiosity is not as far a reach. The more we can tap into our curiosity the greater the possibility of having a dance of inquiry.”

Bowring offers a important reminder to address the all-too-common and frustrating reality of potential stalemates.

“You can always return to the common purpose,” she says. “I encourage my clients to return to common purpose if this stage becomes rough going. Remind the other person why you are both here, why this issue matters to both of you. That can serve as a course correction.”

Next steps, Bowring has written, means that “every conversation gains its true value from the actionable steps that follow,” adding that C.O.I.N. ensures that discussions culminate in clear plans for moving forward, making the entire process purpose-driven and effective.”

But specifically how, one might wonder.

“It’s quite unbelievable,” Bowring says, “how many conversations end at an impasse or stalemate or they peter out. I think it’s because we have already expended a lot of emotional energy by that point and we just want the conversation to be over.”

Thus, “This is critical. And specifics are vital,” she says, mentioning the thoughts and questions we often can find ourselves having in confusing, difficult interactions, such as, “‘What happens next?’ and ‘Who is doing it?’ And, if relevant, ‘When are we interacting again about the matter at hand?’

“It’s the specifics that lead to meaningful, productive action that is agreed upon by both parties,” Bowring stresses.

One frustrating reality that must come to be accepted is that “issues aren’t necessarily resolved in one conversation,” she says. “It’s totally valid that the next step is to schedule part two of the conversation.”

Communication Intelligence asked Bowring if she could provide anecdotes of success with this method or with a particular step? She eagerly agreed.

“I taught this framework to my client, a CEO of a growing online media company, so that she could use it to ignite a conversation with her board chair about how he cut her off in meetings. She did and it worked,” Bowring recalls. “She in turn taught it to two direct reports who were arguing about resource allocations during the budget process. They also used it with success.”

It has worked for Bowring in her own family.

“I have relied on this framework when dealing with my teenage sons. With them, I launch too tough. I’m aware of that. So I consciously think about being softer. And then I have trained myself to talk about common purpose.  It’s so important to provide context for a discussion, especially with teenagers, who think you introduce rules just for the fun of it,” she says.

“This is a such a versatile framework,” Bowring says, excitedly adding that, “I have clients who have successfully used it in their compensation negotiations.”

Yet, as in most strategies, she says, “The preparation is key. Knowing how you tend to enter such conversations — soft or tough — and keeping the COIN checklist in your head because its so easy to get shifted off-track when the topic, like asking for a salary increase, causes you discomfort.”

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