Disagree without Disagreeableness

Stephen McGarvey is the founder of Solutions In Mind

Learning how to be assertive in disagreement is a helpful and necessary skill set to develop and hone.

“It’s important to consider how you present alternative ideas and how you disagree with other’s ideas,” says Stephen McGarvey, the founder of the consulting firm, Solutions In Mind.

McGarvey has a professional focus on persuasion and influence and is the author of the recently-published book, “Ignite a Shift: Engaging Minds, Guiding Emotions and Driving Behavior.”

Not everyone cares about being less disagreeable in behavior while disagreeing with other people yet there are some open to communicating at a higher, more productive level. For them, this starts with evaluating how to best present ideas.

“Very often we respond to other people’s ideas with a ‘but.’ For instance, ‘…but I think a better option is…” The use of the word ‘but’ breaks rapport and dismisses the other person’s idea,” says McGarvey.

“When we use ‘and’ instead, “…and I think another option is…” it enables us to shift the conversation in a different direction while maintaining rapport and avoiding appearing disagreeable.”   

There is an approach that can prove successful.

“A simple method is to agree in principle and restate your purpose,” says McGarvey. “Agreeing in principle is very different than agreeing with the person, and it enables us to, in essence, disagree with them while still acknowledging their stance.”

He explains how this is communicated well in practice.

“This is done by using specific phrases such as, ‘I realize that you think X,’ or ‘I appreciate that you think X,’ or ‘I respect that you think X,’ followed by the word ‘and…then simply restating your own idea or purpose,” McGarvey says.

This acts as a way to communicate intelligently, with acknowledgement and clarity and disagree in a manner that is less likely to offend.

“This empowers you to set your own boundaries and disagree with someone’s requests or ideas, while avoiding seeming disagreeable,” McGarvey says.

An important mindset to develop and work from, he says, is to help the other person or people not to see themselves as going into a one-down place with you.

“Chris Voss is an expert on the subject of negotiation, and he said, ‘negotiation is about gaining, and you gain without necessarily making the other side lose, and that’s the trick,’” says McGarvey.

“Few of us ever intend to be disagreeable in our interactions with others. A lot of leaders communicate with the best of intentions and still fail to realize when the impact of their communication is different from what is intended,” he points out.

These points are critical determinants for success.

“Learning how to disagree without being disagreeable means considering the intent and impact of your communication and then disagreeing or presenting alternative ideas in a way that has the best possible outcome,” McGarvey says.

Rapport can be simple yet in certain situations or with certain people, for varying reasons, it can be a challenging task. It’s usually a useful piece to the equation in communicating dissent.

“Rapport is essential. Persuasion relies on building a foundation of rapport, and trust is a by-product of consistent rapport over time,” McGarvey says.

“Some people are hesitant to disagree out of fear that they will somehow erode that trust and damage their relationship or standing with the other person. This line of thinking assumes that trust and relationships are ‘things’ that can be damaged or lost,” he points out.

“When you think of ‘trust’ or a ‘relationship’ as nouns, you are nominalizing them. Instead, consider the words ‘trust’ and ‘relationship’ as verbs, processes that exist within the context of two or more people who are relating to each other.”

Relating to a person in a way that they understand and can respect is the smartest path.

“Have the flexibility to match your communication with the way the other person processes information,” McGarvey recommends. “Although communicating with others seems simple, there are intricacies because we all communicate differently.”

He details a way to accomplish this step.

“Understanding how to listen effectively is a key skill in improving communication and is necessary to disagree without being disagreeable,” McGarvey states. “Based on what we hear in the other person’s communication, we have the ability to adjust how we communicate with them.”

Doing this leaves an impression.

“You’re really communicating to others that you’re a strong, effective leader and an empathetic individual,” McGarvey says.

To constantly be working that muscle, he offers suggestions.

“When relating to and persuading others, focus on building and maintaining rapport and always remember that rapport is elastic and, if broken, can be repaired.

“This means that you can question confidently, challenge respectfully, and negotiate skillfully as you lead someone toward a desired goal,” he says.

The benefits one could expect to experience for themselves are clear.

“Developing the skills to effectively persuade and influence others will open doors in your professional, as well as your personal life, as you’re able to better communicate with others and lead them with integrity toward your desired goals as well as their desired goals for themselves,” he asserts.