Impressively Communicating When Anxious

Communicating confidently and responsibly in anxious situations can be a significant challenge. Many experts will tell you though that it’s not as difficult or impossible as it feels and maybe has been previously for you.

“Setting appropriate expectations for yourself is key,” says Emily Marriott, a licensed mental health therapist and founder of Wholesome Therapy, a telehealth therapy private practice. “This can look like acceptance around the uncomfortable feelings and emotions that arise when you're making efforts to communicate.

“Accepting fully that you will feel anxious, instead of pondering if or when or in what way or for how long you will feel anxious. Without this, we often fall into the habit of setting expectations around communication too high, wherein not meeting those expectations can result in feelings of shame.

“Therein, feelings of shame can become the barrier to communicating successfully. On and on this cycle goes, keeping us stuck.”

A smart thinking exercise could help provide needed, wanted clarity when an anxiety fog is coming on or hits hard. “Defining and identifying what you are looking to gain out of communication efforts aids in the expectation-setting efforts,” Marriott says

“Preparation is incredibly important,” says Jo Caruana, founder and CEO at the Finesse Group, and a public relations, communications and business etiquette consultant, “so try to give yourself as much information as possible before you go into the situation.”

She provides an example to illustrate her point.

“For instance, if you are anxious about talking on a panel, invest some time in researching the moderator and other panelists so that you know what you have in common and can quickly build relationships,” Caruana advises. “If possible, try to meet them ahead of time — even five minutes ahead — to break the ice and make a positive connection, so that you feel a sense of camaraderie rather than competition going into your session.”

She offers a method that could prove helpful to lowering stress or anxiety.

“Borrow the actor’s technique of breathing deep into your diaphragm — in through your nose and out through your mouth — to really calm yourself before you go into an anxious situation,” Caruana suggests. “It takes you out of your head and into your body and calms you down so you can focus. Then plaster a smile on your face if appropriate. That helps everything.”

“My number one recommendation is actually non-verbal communication: teach yourself to smile when you are overwhelmed,” says Jan Mion, founder and owner of Mion Hypnose, hypnotherapist practice.

People may not realize how they come across when they are anxious in interactions, he says, and that creates additional problems, Mion contends.

“Very often people who are shy and anxious are perceived as cold or distant,” he says, adding that, “Smiling makes interactions immediately more positive.”

Being transparent, at least at times, can inspire relatability and connection.

“The other tip I have is to clearly communicate your feelings,” Mion says. “If there is an anxious situation, the chances are that other people are anxious too. So by saying something like ‘Wow I'm a little bit overwhelmed" or “I feel some anxiety right now,” you can make an immediate connection and people will understand you better.”

“It’s essential to develop and practice specific skills,” to communicate successfully when anxiety is being strongly felt, says Brianna Gaynor, Psy.D., a clinical psychologist, speaker and the Director of Peace of Mind Psychological Services.

“Stay calm and composed: Focus on your breathing and stay grounded in the present moment. This will help you think clearly and communicate effectively.

“Be empathetic: Understand and validate the feelings and perspectives of others involved in the situation. This will help build trust and rapport.

“Use active listening: Pay close attention to what others are saying and ask clarifying questions to ensure you fully understand their point of view.

“Express yourself clearly: Be concise and articulate in your communication. Avoid using overly complex language or jargon.

“Be assertive, not aggressive: Stand up for your needs and beliefs without being confrontational.”

Bayu Prihandito, founder and CEO at Life Architekture and a certified psychology expert and life coach, points to five strategies as helpful to responding reliably when experiencing anxiety during communication.

“1 - Understanding Emotions: We first need to recognize the feelings at play, both ours and others. Mindfulness exercises can help you stay present and in tune with your emotions. Empathy is key (as well) and starts with understanding that everyone’s anxious feelings are valid.

“2 - Practicing Active Listening: When you are in a conversation, try to be completely present by showing interest, responding appropriately and allowing the other person to finish their thoughts. This promotes positive interaction and reduces anxiety for both sides.

“3 - Composure: Confidence comes from inner peace. Techniques such as deep, slow breathing can help maintain your composure during stressful discussions.

“4 - Assertive Communication: Expressing your thoughts and feelings assertively, rather than aggressively or passively, will support respectful conversations. To do so, you can use clear and concise language to help ensure your message cannot be misunderstood.

“5 - Reframing Perspective: Sometimes, it’s about changing the way we view anxious situations.

“A shift in perspective can transform a potentially stressful conversation into an opportunity for growth and understanding. This is a key principle in Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT).

“It’s important to remind ourselves that the goal isn’t perfection, but progress. Like anything, communication always improves with practice.”

“Nothing gets the adrenaline going quite so much as having to communicate during a time when your fight or flight response is telling you to run for the hills,” says Susan McLennan, co-founder of Welfie, a health equity platform. “But that’s what good leaders do. They stay and figure their way through the tough questions.”

She asserts that at the root of doing this well is a little talked about approach. “The key to effective communication in anxious or uncertain times is authenticity,” McLennan says.

She goes on to explain that “People need to trust you and believe what you are saying, so be clear on what you know and what you don’t know. Never gloss over the space between the two. No one can have all of the answers but what you do know and where you are have outstanding information or knowledge gaps along with how you are closing them will go a long way in building trust.”

There are behaviors that should be avoided she’s learned.

“Tightly scripted language that feels forced or rehearsed no longer inspires the confidence it once did,” McLennan stresses, adding, “In fact, our brains increasingly reject anything that doesn’t sound honest. And truth be told, most talking points sound stilted, made up and beneficial mostly to the person or company speaking.”

Acting compassionately with others is important when our anxiety is dominating our thoughts and experience.

“Bring your humanity, especially your empathy,” McLennan advises, because she says, “It’s crucial that you speak with the needs of your audience in mind. Not only will this help them, it keeps you out in the world and not (solely) in your own head.

“The more connection you have to those you are speaking with the less likely it is that you will listen to the less helpful voices in your own head.”

Physically, she recommends to “Breathe, keep your head up and your shoulders back. Make sure your legs don’t lock and you can feel your feet. If something comes at you with a lot of unwanted energy, take a breath and let it help you ground the conversation back into more helpful territory.”

She admits that anxiety still might be hitting a person full force yet hope shouldn’t be lost. There is an additional potential key to unlock more peace.

Introspection.

“If you feel nerves or panic rising in your body, bring the best ally you have: your curiosity,” McLennan says. “Never fight what you’re feeling or try and push it away. That will only make what you’re feeling fight you more.

“Voice a bit shaky? Get curious about what that sounds like and feels like? Breathing a bit shallow? Get curious about where it is right now and what it feels like throughout the rest of your body. Your curiosity can help you distract yourself from an unhelpful inner dialogue and ensure you stay present in the world and a difficult conversation.”

The Last Word

“When you allow your emotions to overwhelm logic, it becomes incredibly difficult to be a confident and more importantly, strategic communicator,” says Emily Chaney, director of public relations at Marvin.

Thus, her strong recommendation to “Commit to yourself that you will process your emotions before and after the situation, but not during.”

She believes gathering information and context can be helpful for managing stress. “Have all the available facts,” Chaney says, because, “When you are fully informed, you can speak with confidence from your area of expertise or personal experience.”

In the event one cannot be fully informed before interacting with someone, leading to heightened stressful arousal, Chaney mentions a focusing response to help keep or regain emotional balance.

“If it’s not possible to be fully informed in advance, preparing questions you can ask from an emotionally-neutral viewpoint will help guide the conversation to a place from which you can knowledgeably respond,” she says.

Seeking to understand, not just notice and absorb others, is important, wise and an invaluable professional development.

“Recognizing the various points of view from which people are showing up (with),” Chaney says, breaking it down further: “HR will have concerns about something different than Finance. If you can recognize their goals and motivations, you can better read the room and understand the context versus becoming upset by their position.”

Humility is a powerful display when it is conducted sincerely and helpful to the person exercising it, especially in a tense moment.

“Acknowledge what you don't know,” Chaney says is an expert-level decision. “A response such as ‘While I don’t have that information available, I can immediately follow-up with ....’ demonstrates that you know how to gather information effectively even if you couldn’t be prepared for every question imaginable.”

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