Men Working Skillfully Through Anger
Delee D’Arcy
“This led me to question the standard assumptions…”
The roots of anger can be complex to understand to the naked eye and mind yet a therapist’s repeated professional observations led her to deep thinking, which inspired a decision to change the process of assisting people — men — in gaining understanding of their experiences and reactions to begin processing anger more skillfully.
“I developed a program that encourages clients, not to suppress or control their anger, but to understand and express it healthily,” says Delee D’Arcy, therapist turned coach and specialist.
She talks about the backstory that resulted in her specialty.
“My path towards specializing in men’s communication and relationship dynamics began more than 30 years ago. While working with couples in therapy, I started noticing a pattern: women generally seemed more expressive, while men often receded into silence,” D’Arcy says.
“Interestingly, although women frequently pointed to their partners’ anger as a problem, I initially saw less of this outward anger in the men themselves.”
That perception however changed over time.
“An increasing number of men began to seek individual coaching, over therapy, to address their perceived ‘anger issues,’” she adds. “This led me to question the standard assumptions.”
Those assumptions didn’t seem to make sense. The questions flowed.
“Why do we focus on controlling anger, but not other emotions?” D’Arcy wondered. “What other feelings could be hiding behind this anger? How does an outburst of anger shift the dynamics of a conversation or disagreement?”
She decided that within a coaching program it would be important to help men go deeper to gain understanding, which would become beneficial to learning and responding successfully to intense emotions and impulses.
“We delve into the emotions that might be masked by anger,” D’Arcy says. “Is it a cover for sadness, disappointment, or fear? After all, these are emotions that all humans share and are just as valid.”
A shift was needed for clients to best guide them to learning and developing.
“Rather than focusing on ‘control,’ I advocate for healthy expression,” D’Arcy says. “Especially for men, who are often socialized to ‘suck it up,’ learning to articulate their feelings more accurately can be transformative.”
This new way, so to speak, is a practice about which she is confident.
“I firmly believe this approach not only reduces conflict but also provides reassurance to their partners and strengthens their relationships,” D’Arcy says.
Identifying men and common pain points can be complex work.
“That’s a journey in itself,” D’Arcy says, “One that involves lots of listening, probing and understanding. It’s not just about knowing what they say, but what they don’t say too. Often, men find themselves feeling unheard or misunderstood and I’m here to help them change that.”
She provides an example to illustrate her point.
“Take Sam, for instance. On the surface, Sam seemed like a classic case of a procrastinator. But upon deeper conversation, it became clear that his issue was not so much about procrastination, but about the disconnect he felt with his wife.
“She believed he was not prioritizing her or their home life because he often delayed doing things she asked of him or needed from him as a partner,” D’Arcy says.
Perception is not always reality.
“It wasn’t that Sam was generally a procrastinator. After all, he was punctual and responsible at work but he felt micromanaged at home, which led him to push back,” she says.
“And that’s where the empathy part comes in. The key isn’t to validate negative behaviors, but rather to understand the root cause,” D’Arcy stresses.
She explains the client she has been discussing.
“In Sam’s case, it wasn’t laziness or a lack of care but a need for a balance in the relationship where both parties felt heard and respected,” D’Arcy says.
“It’s not about putting a Band-Aid on a bullet wound but about treating the root cause of the issue. And that’s what coaching is all about. It’s not therapy, it’s tactical — strategic even — and it’s about meeting each man where they’re at, then helping them get where they want to be.”
She speaks as to how this can be accomplished.
“That’s where my Tactical Timing Trainer comes into play. It focuses on the essential components of effective communication: Timing, Tone and Trust, that are often overlooked but can make a significant difference in the dynamics of a relationship.”
For men to succeed working through this program and process, it’s necessary for them to exhibit what might be extremely new for them.
“First up, vulnerability,” D’Arcy flatly states.
“I know it’s not always the default for a lot of guys. But, hear me out, it’s transformative. I’m not asking you to drop your guard all at once. Instead, think of it like slowly lowering a drawbridge. You’re saying, ‘This is me, imperfections and all,’” she says.
“Next, we've got trust and timing,” D’Arcy adds. “It’s not about going zero to sixty in a heartbeat. This is a gradual process.”
She explains why this is the reality and smarter understanding.
“You’re learning to trust in yourself, in the process and in the people around you,” D’Arcy says. “And as for timing? We’ll be working on that. Knowing when it’s the right time to open up, to make a move, to hold back, to ‘read the room.’”
Successful application is when and where progress gets made and D’Arcy says she has an answer for that concern.
“Here's where it gets unique. To ensure that these concepts translate into real-world situations, I provide real-time support. Let's call it ‘Anti-Monday Morning Quarterbacking,’” she begins:
“Instead of waiting to review the past week’s challenges in hindsight during our scheduled sessions, I encourage my clients to reach out to me in the moment, as the situation is unfolding. Using a tool like Voxer, they can share their experience, ask for guidance and we can troubleshoot the situation together. We’re not just rehearsing strategies; we’re living them.”
An adjustment in approach is important because a person’s history likely dictates it. Thus, experimentation with new skill building becomes the task.
“We're going to mix things up a bit,” D’Arcy says. “If you’ve always done what you’ve always done, then you'll always get what you've always got, right? So we’re going to switch gears, try out new approaches and see what sticks.”
There are three C’s she says that should be non-negotiable if improvement and success is the objective.
“It’s about commitment, consistency and courage,” she says. “Change isn’t always a walk in the park and it doesn’t happen overnight.”
She compares it a more arduous, challenging task.
“It’s like climbing a mountain; sometimes it feels like a Herculean task,” D’Arcy says, adding a reminder, “This isn’t about immediate applause, it’s about long-term transformation, and that requires patience and perseverance.”
She is willing to talk about what success might look like for men who really want it and invest in achieving it.
“Success is a personal journey and it looks different for everyone,” D’Arcy says. “There are some common signposts we hit along the way: Personal growth, a boost in communication skills and healthier and more fulfilling relationships are the big ones.”
There are stories she can tell, while respecting client privacy.
“I had a client, your typical ‘tough, silent type.’ Working together, he learned to recognize and put words to his feelings,” D’Arcy recalls. “This gave a whole new depth to his conversations with his wife.
“Another guy came to me with a quick temper. With a little digging, he discovered that there were a whole lot of emotions hiding underneath that anger. Once he was able to identify and express those feelings, the tension with his wife just seemed to melt away.”
Curious, as to how D’Arcy defines success for herself in helping men communicate more impressively within heated emotions, “Success isn’t about ‘fixing’ guys or trying to mold them into something they’re not,” she says.
Instead, “It is about guiding them towards becoming better communicators, better partners, and ultimately, the best versions of themselves,” she counters.
In the “small” come the seeds for “big wins.”
“It’s those small, consistent shifts that lead to massive changes in their lives,” D’Arcy says. “And let me tell you, nothing brings me more joy in my work than seeing those transformations.”
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