The Power of Skilled Response in Difficult Interactions

(Greg Hammer, MD)

As reactionary beings, we don’t always make the best choices in stressful situations with other people. This comes at a cost, of course, to how we’re perceived and judged, how people feel they must interact with us to be ok, and the quality of the outcome of the interaction.

That’s why it’s vital to learn about how we think and react as habit under stress and what we may be able to do better so we can be more skilled in navigating challenging situations and people.

How can we prove to be more wise? Knowledge, practice and skill development.

“Prior to reacting we are best served by listening, listening closely,” says Greg Hammer, MD, a Stanford University professor, physician and author of GAIN without Pain: The Happiness Handbook for Health Care Professionals.

“Really listening requires that we are fully present,” he says. “For example, when we are formulating our response before the person who is speaking has even finished talking. We are not listening. Being present means letting go of thoughts of the past and future while absorbing what is happening here and now.”

Easier said than done as we are all products of our experiences, setbacks, traumas and viewpoints of the world, certain personalities and specific people. Yet that is the challenge to rise up and meet and get past.

“As we are obsessed with the past in future in ways that are maladaptive, this is no simple task,” Hammer acknowledges. “Importantly, the person or persons who are addressing us can sense when we are not truly present, and this limits the quality of our interactions.”

That problem is one we are unlikely to recognize or at least understand with great insight, so we can make immediate, effective adjustments.

When we feel anxious heading into an interaction with someone or while in the midst of one, Hammer says we can counter the physiological responses and internal chatter by focusing on a certain, helpful process.

“Whenever anxiety creeps in to our experience we can begin to let it go by bringing our attention to our breath,” he says. “Deeply inhaling through our nose, pausing, then exhaling effortlessly reminds us to pay attention to the current moment.”

There is a stress management benefit as doing this can slow our heart rate and comfort our brain. Repetition of this strategy can help regain control of our emotions and thus, our thinking. We can become more balanced emotionally and return to more logical thinking.

“As we do so we can teach ourselves to let go of any judgments, reminding ourselves that the world is simply as it is — it is not good and it is not bad. We, too, are neither good nor bad. We are simply who and what we are,” Hammer says. “Paying attention to our breath while letting go of judgments takes only a moment.”

If we can’t physically remove ourselves from the stimulus we view as negative, that’s ok, Hammer says, as we don’t have to physically move away from a situation or person, even if that would be our first desire, perceived ‘need’ and helpful.

“We do not have to withdraw from the conversation or leave the room. This simple practice readies us for responding in the best way we can - without a flood of emotions. We are at our best. We are prepared to deal with even the most difficult people and circumstances,” he says.

Navigating the emotional wilderness successfully in difficult situation with people, or with challenging personalities, requires winning the battle of the mind. It is usually a frustrating or painful task.

“Let’s first realize that we all have a negativity bias. We remember and hold onto the negative, unpleasant experiences and forget the positive ones,” Hammer says. “We should not judge ourselves harshly because of this condition. We are all hardwired to embody this negativity. Let’s recognize this important component of our persona and be aware that it colors our assessment of what is unfolding around us.”

This is something that we don’t want to confess and own about ourselves. Yet it is part of our psychology and humanness. This knowledge, when accepted, can help us move forward more intelligently.

“This realization alone may help diminish our likelihood of being ‘triggered’ in a negative way,” Hammer says. “When we do get triggered, we can be more and more adept at recognizing what is happening to our emotions. We can let go of the judgments we are forming that enhance and perpetuate our negative emotional reactions.”

When we become emotionally hijacked due to intensity of our emotions, we can react in low-quality, ineffective ways, such as lashing out, shutting down, competing or acting in a passive-aggressive manner. When those urges and reactions occur, it is critical to learn how to implement trustworthy countermeasures to overcome imbalanced, foolhardy or reckless and dangerous thinking that would lead to shortsighted decisions and behavior

“Bring our attention to the breath, recognize our silly negativity bias and its coloring of our judgments, then let go of the judgments,” Hammer says as a reminder. “As our heart and breathing rates slow, we feel the flood of adrenaline subsiding, the peaceful, benevolent indifference returning.”

We don't always think ahead about what the costs are going to be by reacting as our emotions want us to in a difficult situation with someone. This problem requires a reliable strategy to conduct ourselves with more poise, patience, civility and friendliness with people while also pursuing effective outcomes.

“The practice I embrace and teach is embodied by the acronym — GAIN,” Hammer says.

“It begins with Gratitude. First, dwell with the magic of the breath. It is always there, always accessible. Then bring our attention to the multitude of blessings for which we are grateful - being alive this day. This comes naturally for a cancer survivor, for example; our loved ones, the privilege of helping others, having a safe place to sleep with a comfortable bed in a home with running water and a roof over our head.

“Then open our heart and practice Acceptance. Life is full of pain and suffering, as well as joy. Let us bring the pain closer and closer until we merge with it, until there is no separation. We can live with this pain.

“Next, go to our Intention. We can rewire our brains to be more present and positive. It takes persistence; baby steps every day. Our brains have the wonderful quality of neuroplasticity; we can effect change at any age, a little bit at a time.

“Finally, there is the “N” in “GAIN,” Nonjudgment,” Hammer says.

It’s not enjoyable to engage in difficult situations with people yet it is less discouraging, upsetting and stressful when we have a responsible, reliable plan and skill set we have practiced to become more poised, respected and effective.