Understanding the Real Problems of the Double-Bind

Mira Brancu, Ph.D., is an advisor, executive coach,
consulting psychologist and the founder and CEO at Towerscope.

Experiencing a double-mind situation can be confusing and maddening. Some people have lived this difficult experience and not known it or are living it now. Understanding it better can provide the knowledge, insight and skills to prove helpful navigation.

A double bind, if that is a new term to you, is “a psychological predicament in which a person receives from a single source conflicting messages that allow no appropriate response to be made,” according to the Merriam-Webster dictionary.

Or if you prefer a shorter definition, the double bind is, “a situation in which an individual receives contradictory messages from another person,” says the American Psychological Association.

It’s valuable to realize why this is important.

“Double binds are often utilized as a form of control without open coercion — the use of confusion makes them difficult both to respond to and to resist,” says Wikipedia.

It’s important to gain clarity about the nuance of the behavior.

“The double bind is often misunderstood to be a simple contradictory situation, where the subject is trapped by two conflicting demands,” Wikipedia continues. “While it's true that the core of the double bind is two conflicting demands, the difference lies in how they are imposed upon the subject, what the subject's understanding of the situation is, and who (or what) imposes these demands upon the subject.”

To learn how this plays out in the world, Communication Intelligence speaks to Mira Brancu, Ph.D., an advisor, executive coach, consulting psychologist and the founder and CEO at Towerscope.

Do people who create double-bind situations realize they are doing it?

In business and workplaces I think double-bind situations are not created by people but rather stem from societal messages, so it's very hard for individual people to even realize they are setting up double-bind situations for others. This is especially true when it comes to implicit bias and stereotyping situations.

Can you provide an example?

For example, women are raised as girls to be calm, quiet, nurturing, helpful and take a back seat to others' needs. This serves them well earlier in their career but later on if they choose to seek leadership roles, they are told two different messages: one is to remain in that state and the other is that they now need to present themselves as more confident, speak up, take up space, be more assertive.

Definitely troublesome and seemingly, unkind.

The double-bind occurs when they realize that they can be neither too quiet nor too loud, neither too much in service to others — selfless — nor too selfish in pursuing their personal career goals.

It’s surprising that people communicating this don’t realize it.

Interestingly, neither the people creating or supporting the double-bind, nor the on the receiving end catch that it's happening unless they have been actively learning about it.

Instead, in this example, women's confidence begins to reduce as they find it difficult to navigate that tightrope and then they get dinged on presenting as having low confidence, and thus “not leadership material.”

I wrote about this phenomenon. 

How can someone effectively frame, communicate and otherwise successfully respond then when they find themselves in a double-bind situation?

For those who are the recipients of this messaging, the first step is to learn about and become aware of it in the first place.

In my example I gave, it's unlearning harmful societal messages and re-learning new ways to show up at work. It also requires receptivity by the organization and bosses.

Could you help readers, as loose example maybe, talk themselves through such a situation?

Once you can catch what is happening, you can say, “Thank you for your feedback. You know I'm confused.

“Up until this point in my career, I was trained to be in the support role and was rewarded for that. Now that I am seeking leadership opportunities, I am told that sometimes I need to present as being more confident and to speak up more at meetings, but then other times I feel like I'm told to stay in my place and that I'm being presumptuous.

“Can you help me understand what I am missing in how I go about this next stage in my career? And moving forward when we are in a meeting together, can you help me make sure that I am not taking a back-seat when I could be demonstrating my leadership?”

What final piece of advice would you offer?

In other words, seek mentors, allies, sponsors and peers to support you as you explicitly share the dilemma and what you are trying to navigate in order to help you succeed and also to join you in catching these situations when they happen. 

Source: Dr. Mira Brancu, advisor, executive coach, consulting psychologist and founder and CEO at Towerscope.