Working Through Tense Human Interactions

Lance Tanaka, Executive Coach and Founder and Managing Director of Asia Executive Resource, Ltd., a Lance Tanaka Group.

Oftentimes, skillfully navigating tense human interactions, conflict or negotiations requires helping the person or party protect how they see themselves and allowing them to ‘save face.’ It’s not easy, and it’s more challenging when we too might be triggered emotionally. Learning this invaluable skill therefore is wise professional development.

Lance Tanaka, executive coach and Founder and Managing Director of Asia Executive Resource, Ltd., a Lance Tanaka Group, converses about it.

We offer people a gift when we value their humanity and assist them with ‘saving face.’ That is a critical emotional and psychological need for them. Knowing how to practice this skill well is uncommon.

“The first thing to consider when trying build win-win relationships is that the focus needs to not be on us, but on them,” Tanaka says. “In advance of any meeting or negotiation, we should have a clear understanding of our objectives — what we want. When entering the meeting, this allows us to focus on them: reading their emotions, reactions and what they want.”

This big-picture concept is forward thinking and creates the mindset for interacting on a more skilled level. It’s also important, Tanaka says, to realize that tension requires another more advanced skill in relating to and working well with people.

“Let me share two of Eric Maddox’s insights on interrogation and negotiation that we can learn from in business,” he says. “One, understand the other side’s perspective: ‘Don’t forget that listening with empathy is critically important to the interrogation process,” says Maddox. Two, always give the other side hope: ‘Complications come when prisoners don’t believe you’re going to help them. If they don’t think they have a way out, then there’s no way they’ll want to bargain with you.’

This show of respect (listening with sincere empathy) and giving people hope that they too can benefit can create the effect of people listening more clearly and less negatively or fearfully to you, bringing down the walls so effective communication, civility and collaboration can emerge.

The hunger to learn how to become more influential and persuasive with people, before disputes develop or conflict is already burning strong is of paramount importance if we are to be ready when those times come, which they always do.

“First of all, the focus needs to be on them, not us,” Tanaka says. “Secondly, we attempt to find win-win situations in any conflict, but in some cases that may not be feasible. In these situations, we should look at the parties’ interests behind their positions, the ‘why (for their position).’ We may be able to address their interests, which would allow them to be more flexible on their positions.”

He provides an example to illustrate his point.

“Two people were sitting at a table in the library; you remember what libraries are. Person ‘A’ wanted the window in the room to be opened. Person ‘B’ wanted it to remain shut. Both were arguing about whether to have the window opened or closed. Hearing the disturbance, the librarian went over to the table,” Tanaka says. “She asked person ‘A’ trying to understand his interest behind his position and why he wanted it opened. He said it’s stuffy and I want to get some air. Then went to person ‘B’. He said the opened window will blow his papers off the table — his interest (the ‘why’). The librarian wisely went to the next room and opened the window. Thus, both parties got their interests addressed.”

Putting together best practices for creating and maintaining strong relationships to make an environment possible for buy-in, collaboration, solving differences well and moving the workplace or business towards its mission is a leadership skill for both individuals and organizations.

“Most of our important personal and work relationships are longer term. Therefore, it’s important for us to look at building win-win relationships over time. An effective, yet highly practical approach to accomplish this is the ‘Exchange of Currencies,’” Tanaka says.

He explains how this works: “Understand the power of ‘currencies.’”

“People have multiple currencies, or forms of emotional energy. The main principles of currencies are:

• Don’t assume everyone shares your currencies.

• The most powerful currencies tend to be basic human needs.

• There are hundreds of currencies.

• There are negative currencies.

“According to Cohen and Bradford in their book ‘Influence Without Authority’ frequently valued currencies are: 

• Vision

• Excellence

• Moral/ethical correctness

• New resources

• Challenge/learning

• Assistance

• Organizational support

• Rapid response 

• Information

• Recognition

• Visibility

• Reputation

• Insiderness/importance

• Contacts

• Understanding

• Acceptance/inclusion

• Personal support

• Gratitude

• Ownership/involvement

• Self concept

• Comfort

“How to discover their currencies. A focused effort to read someone will yield results.

• Understand their world

• Ask them

• Ask someone that knows them

• Observe them

“Put it all together through the use of Strategic Renqing (Reciprocation)

“It’s like a bank account,” Tanaka says. “You make small deposits along the way. Over time, these deposits add up to be a significance balance. At some point, you make a withdrawal when you need it. This is win-win in which you both benefit; you both get fed your currencies over time.”

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Communication Intelligence recommendation:

Check out “Tanaka in Three,” the short-segment podcast. It’s interesting.