Communicating With Zero-Sum Thinking People

People who engage in all-or-nothing thinking present problematic encounters for others that are onerous to navigate. This rigid, zero-sum behavior makes progress and agreements extremely challenging. The encouraging news is that communicating successfully in these types of situations is possible.

The origin of the difficulty is important to understand.

“The approach is derived from game theory in which one’s loss is another’s gain — someone assumes that one must benefit and the other must not,” says Kristen Nihamin of Counslr. “However, when applied to social situations, specifically communication, this approach tends to be combative and aggressive and is rooted in the belief that there is a clear winner and loser in any interaction.”

The lust for selfish advantage is a strong variable.

“The root driver can often be traced back to insecurity and a need for control,” says Bayu Prihandito, founder and personal development coach at Life Architekture. “Typically, people who adopt this strategy may view life as a competition with only winners and losers. They will fear vulnerability, associating compromise with weakness.”

There is a smarter way to respond when the resistance is strong and people seem to enjoy blocking collaborative problem solving.

Kristen Nihamin

“Recognize and restate what the other person is saying then add your viewpoint. ‘I hear that you feel we should not spend the money on ‘x’ due to our budget, so we need to find another revenue source to make it possible,’” says Nihamin.

“Find common ground. Although you may have opposing views on how to resolve or address a situation, find something in the conversation that you can both agree on. ‘Although we seem to disagree on whether or not our daughter is allowed to go to the concert Friday night, we both want her to be safe and happy,’ she adds. 

“Open ears and an open mind are key to mutually-beneficial communication. Active listening with non judgment is a skill that requires practice,” Nihamin summarizes.

Bayu Prihandito

Moving away from aggression into a state of patience, curiosity and acknowledgement can help move people towards a more reasonable outcome.

“Navigating such behavior requires a cautious and empathetic approach,” says Prihandito. “Understanding their insecurities can help in crafting responses that acknowledge their concerns while promoting a win-win scenario.”

He suggests certain language to implement within black-and-white, all-or-nothing experiences.

“Utilizing first-person pronouns like ‘I’ in statements, such as ‘I feel’ or ‘I understand,’ can also prevent them from feeling attacked or pressured, thereby facilitating more productive discussions,” Prihandito says.

If we are the ones conducting ourselves in this manner, there is something to learn so we are not the ones who are zero-sum in our thinking, communication and other behavior with people.

“Rather than behaving in survival mode and approaching situations as win-or-lose propositions, we can reframe our mindset about our relationships with others as reciprocal and mutually beneficial,” Nihamin says. “Successful and healthy interpersonal communication should actually result in a positive-sum outcome.”

Prihandito too says focusing differently and accurately is more beneficial.

“I’d recommend embracing the concept of abundance, the idea that not every situation is a win-lose situation,” he asserts.

“We can gain a deeper understanding of our emotions, feelings and those of others,” Prihandito points out, “thereby promoting more collaborative and less combative interactions.”