‘Don’t Be Afraid to Admit Your Mistakes’

Missteps, for a variety of reasons for different people, can be extremely difficult to promptly, humbly and responsibly take ownership of to start the correction process.

This conversation was inspired by a quote in an article where someone communicated, “Don’t be afraid to admit your mistakes.”

The article focuses on what people communicate when they 1) fully and sincerely admit their mistakes or 2) when they choose to allow ego to prevent admitting them.

This Communication Intelligence feature includes: Kelly A. Ferraro, the CEO at River North Communications; Rabbi Ilan Glazer, an addiction and recovery coach, speaker and the founder at Our Jewish Recovery; and Ryan McCormick, a media relations specialist and a co-founder at Goldman McCormick Public Relations.

“Admitting mistakes is a ministry to others and a personal willingness to grow, learn and to move forward,” Jackie Gilbert, a professor of management at Middle Tennessee State University, has written.

It can convey to others, figuratively speaking, that we see clearly and additionally, are humble and care about others.

“By admitting our mistakes, we demonstrate our inherent self-awareness. This genuine act of self-correction carries significant impact and speaks volumes about our character,” Ferraro says.

It’s a point about which Glazer agrees.

“I think we communicate that we are ethical people and we value the relationship enough to be vulnerable and honest with them. We also show our values and our integrity,” he says. “It takes courage to admit we make mistakes, so doing so also shows our willingness and ability to be imperfect, even when it's hard to acknowledge sometime.”

This action can reveal the higher standard to which we hold ourselves.

“I think it also communicates a desire to improve and to learn from our mistakes, assuming the acknowledgement is sincere,” Glazer adds.

McCormick is in agreement with Glazer about the intestinal fortitude that it takes to admit mistakes. There are two more impressive traits he sees.

“Owning up to an error in judgment can take a considerable amount of courage and humility,” he states. “It also requires intelligence and maturity. In today's society, a lot of people don't have the capability or even desire to recognize or atone for mistakes.”

Much is conveyed when this happens and it’s usually deemed respectable.

“When you recognize a shortcoming, you immediately better yourself as an individual because you've verbally committed to evolving beyond it,” McCormick asserts. “The message this says to people around us is that we are someone capable of learning and understanding. However, it's what you communicate to yourself through this action that is much more powerful.”

Kelly Ferraro

When being afraid to communicate our mistakes to ourselves and others, different communication is taking place and unappealing meaning is being interpreted.

“People tend to steer clear of individuals who lack self-awareness and exhibit defensiveness or dismissiveness towards their actions,” Ferraro says. “Admitting mistakes can be challenging and I can personally attest to being overly defensive in the past. This is a common tendency because we naturally want to believe our decisions are sound. However, the act of admitting our mistakes demonstrates our capacity and willingness to learn and improve.”

She claims that doing the right thing, “conveys to others that we hold them in high regard and value their perspectives.”

People may realize that they are saying something about the relationships they have by not communicating their errors.

“I think this communicates either that we don't value the relationship enough to admit our mistakes or that we don't have the capacity to do so,” Glazer says.

IIan Glazer

Sometimes, the task and the moral, professional and personal relationship expectation can be made hard by a person’s life experiences, he adds.

“Many people, myself included, were raised in traumatized homes where admitting mistakes was an ultimate sign of weakness. We often think we have to be perfect and show our best selves to others or they won't accept or respect us,” Glazer says.

“This adds a lot of pressure to relationships, not just romantic and leads many people to either put on a mask and not share their emotions or refuse to admit their weaknesses because they think they won't be accepted or loved if they do,” he states.

While socially a common expectation is that everyone makes themselves vulnerable upon making mistakes or worse, egregious errors, Glazer says that is a standard that some people will struggle mightily to reach.

“Not everyone has the capacity to be vulnerable,” he stresses. “Some can be educated as to how to do so. Some are narcissistic and will avoid admitting responsibility for unfortunate situations like the plague they think it is,” he states.

“There's a saying in recovery that ‘Hurt people hurt people.’ Those who get defensive and refuse to apologize or accept responsibility are hurting,” Glazer says. “We can show them compassion and we can also set healthy boundaries when bad behavior shows up. We need not accept toxic behavior.

“We also needn’t label every uncomfortable emotion as toxic, as also sometimes happens, which is another way to avoid both interpersonal conflict and the need to acknowledge one's own limitations.”

Feeling uneasy, anxious of fearful is understandable, McCormick says. Yet it shouldn’t prevent or excuse not conducting oneself in a mature, responsible way.

“It's ok to be afraid to admit your mistakes. However, a person who becomes hyper defensive and accepts zero accountability for their actions, communicates to the world a sense of weakness and unhealthy self-esteem,” he says.

“This type of individual may also simply have an overwhelming fear of facing the consequences for their actions,” McCormick adds. “Not owning an error can be seen by that person as a means of survival, knowing that by telling the truth their employment can be terminated as a result.”

What then, can help people get more comfortable admitting mistakes?

“We can start by saying a simple thank you over a rapid ‘I’m sorry,’” Ferraro says. “Thanking someone for the feedback shows that you heard what they said versus immediately apologizing. We often say we are sorry so quickly that it may not come off as sincere.”

“If you don’t agree with all of what is stated, but you know you made some mistakes, an admission goes a long way,” she adds. “You can respond by noting that you recognize you went off-course or that you were wrong or incorrect and note that you will take steps to reverse course.”

It’s permissible in a challenging moment to stop and think.

“It is also okay to pause and not get caught up in the moment where feelings may be misdirecting your response,” Ferraro says. “I would rather someone say to me, ‘Thank you for this feedback on this matter. Would you mind if I took some time to digest your thoughts so that I can respond in a respectful manner, in kind to the feedback you gave me?’”

What people might want to avoid is allowing strong emotions to drive problematic reactions.

“Never let the emotions lead your response, something I’ve learned the hard way,” Ferraro warns and offers as advisory. “I do think that impulse control is one of the most admired traits and it shows you as a ‘thinker,’ an ‘observer’ and one that inhales without exhaling with rage immediately. And it shows you can take constructive criticism.”

Glazer says workplaces leaders could do a lot of good for their people as individuals and teams by leading practice sessions about admitting mistakes or wrongdoing.

“I think workforces should practice how to apologize to each other,” he asserts. “Romantic partners should too.”

It’s important to realize, Glazer says that admissions and regret or remorse look different depending on whom is communicating in words or other means.

“Not everyone apologizes in the same way. There are different approaches,” he begins to explain, adding, “Some people acknowledge their mistakes by giving someone else a gift. Some offer a compliment. Some write a letter. Some want a face to face interaction and say ‘I'm sorry, I made a mistake, can you forgive me?’”

Not only does Glazer recommend leaders teach their employees how to apologize, he explains what else is beneficial.

“It’s helpful for organizations to decide what their culture of acknowledging and fixing mistakes should be,” he says. “This also raises the question of how safe people feel in their ability to do so without being fired or otherwise punished.”

This means another precise and ongoing educational step is necessary.

“Managers need training on how to hear their employees acknowledging their missteps,” Glazer says. “Too often, people are dismissed or belittled for making mistakes. In my opinion, those who can own up to their shortcomings are the ones I want on my team. At least I know they're honest.”

Reality is not always pretty yet it should be considered in how we judge and respond to others, he states.

“Everyone makes mistakes. None of us are perfect. Instead of being afraid of our mistakes, let's celebrate all the times when we make them and respond in healthy ways,” Glazer says.

“Let’s see mistakes as opportunities for further learning and growth. And let's remind ourselves that none of us are perfect, we’re all just flawed people trying to do the best we can.”

Another way to get comfortable with saying “I made a mistake” is to start with the little things, McCormick says.

“Start taking accountability for the smaller things in life on a consistent basis,” he says. “That doesn't mean walking around with a gavel judging yourself for everything but being much more conscientious of your words and actions towards others.”

McCormick acknowledges it’s emotionally and psychologically worrisome to acknowledge what has happened.

“Mistakes can be very painful and in my experience, the only true way to transcend the anguish is to make corrective measures so these errors won't happen again,” he says. “In one way, a lapse in judgment can be an incredible learning experience because it can incentivize you to better yourself in ways that you probably would not be able to do when everything is fine and dandy.”

Glazer shares something he found on Facebook that resonated with him:

“An old man said, ‘Erasers are for those who make mistakes.’ A youth replied, ‘Erasers are made for those who are willing to correct their mistakes.’

“Attitude matters.”