Learning to Accept a Compliment

Not everyone is comfortable accepting compliments. Yes, context matters at times yet overall, when people struggle to be praised, it’s a curious interaction. How can someone come to receive what is sincerely intended?

This article was inspired by a recent quote in an entertainment feature where Jada Pinkett was remembering what Tom Cruise once told her.

“‘Every time I compliment you, you always reject it. You need to stop doing that. Just say, Thank you.’ So I’ve learned to accept a compliment,” Pinkett said of what Cruise recommended.

Givers of compliments can be confused about the dismissiveness or rejection of what they are offering. This inspires the question, why do some of us struggle to receive praise?

There are different viewpoints about it.

“Many people are raised in households and cultures where they were taught to brush off or dismiss compliments, which can make it difficult to embrace kind words later in life when they receive them,” says Kyle Elliott, Ed.D. and founder and career coach at Caffeinated Kyle. “Some communities see accepting a compliment as being full of yourself when in truth you're simply acknowledging the other person’s reality.”

In addition to what was modeled to people as children, there is how a person can come to judge and see themselves.

“Many people struggle to accept compliments because they don’t believe they are deserving,” says Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin, the founder at The Marriage Restoration Project. “They (may) have an element of self-hatred, conditioned beliefs that they aren’t worthy to be loved, validated, seen, etc. This makes it hard to digest compliments that others give.”

The very real disbelief that one can be deserving is one that one entrepreneur echoes. It also points out the fluid nature of our confidence.

“At some level, we don’t feel we’re deserving of them,” Ubaldo “Ubi” Perez Jr., founder of Hush —the first line of topical anesthetics developed specifically for tattoos, says. “Self-esteem is a universal journey we all fluctuate on,” he adds, “and sometimes we hold on to conditioned beliefs from the past that no longer serve our needs.”

Being overly modest, dismissing or rejecting a polite observation, appreciation or admiration expressed can prove problematic to interactions, relationships and positive, insightful feedback in the future.

“Although you may be tempted to dismiss someone’s compliment of you, it can actually be off-putting and decrease the chances that the person will do it again in the future,” Elliott says. “Additionally, when you brush off compliments, you’re starving yourself of the chance to learn more about how people perceive you, which is a real missed opportunity.”

Despite it usually being unintentional, not receiving positive feedback is sending hurtful behavior back to the person who gave it.

“When we don’t accept a compliment, we are rejecting the other’s gift to us,” Slatkin says. “Even if you don’t feel like you deserve it, when you accept the compliment you are giving a gift to the one offering the compliment. The compliment is an expression of love and positive feelings, something premeditated. They are looking forward to you receiving it. When you don't receive it, they may feel deflated.”

Pausing to think about how to respond more considerately is wise and beneficial and can be done with balanced thinking.

“I think it’s important to consider this person’s feelings in trying to pay us a compliment and kindness,” Perez Jr. says, while adding, “I don’t think though we should condition ourselves to always prioritize others’ feelings and experiences over our own authenticity.”

He says that just as it is mature and helpful to listen to concerns or calls for improvement in our thinking and actions we should also accept the admirable points in our behavior that others see and communicate to us.

“Learning to stay open to hearing various opinions and observations about ourselves is a lifelong practice but a very fruitful one if you don’t turn away from it,” Perez Jr. says. “Knowing how others perceive you gives you a competitive edge and accepting a compliment can also be seen as surrendering your need to control others’ feelings or actions.”

It’s difficult to change reactions, thinking and more thoughtful responses to most challenges. Coming to peace accepting the “gifts” that compliments — often sincere and well intentioned — are or can be may not come easy yet it is doable if one can and will learn how to adjust.

“In addition to responding with a simple ‘Thank you’ when people compliment you, also consider repeating them to yourself so that you can begin to internalize your positive qualities, attributes and accomplishments,” Elliott recommends.

There are certain techniques that can help build new perception, mental processing and skill development. Slatkin provides an example by talking about it works within the context of marriage.

“We teach couples to mirror back the compliment,” he says. “This means they repeat back the compliment. ‘What I heard you say is that you appreciate that I did such and such. Did I get you? Is there more?”

Slatkin explains why this works and how it can improve interactions.

“This gives them time to change their knee-jerk response (of) reject(ing) the compliment,” he elaborates. “It allows them to get out of themselves and enter the world of the other, listening to their words of affirmation. After the mirroring is finished, they thank their partner for the compliment.”

This may not come naturally yet it can become a new, helpful habit.

“Sometimes, taking a little time to breath and take it in will allow one to become more comfortable. This is coupled by the knowledge that accepting the gift is an even greater gift to their relationship than the gift itself,” Slatkin says.

Of course, repetitive effort to pursue improvement remains wise counsel.

“The best way to learn to get comfortable accepting compliments is to practice it,” Perez Jr. advises. “Our brains are wired to get better at what we intentionally and repetitively do. Watch the language you use when responding to compliments; if the easiest thing you can say is ‘thank you,’ that’s enough. Tom Cruise wasn’t wrong there.”