Questions and Reframing Helpful to Quality of Professional Relationships

Sarah Hawley, Founder and CEO of Growmotely

Decision-making and behavior in response to other people’s wants or needs is communication. We convey messages with what we say or don’t say and what we do or choose not to do.

Opportunity presents itself, for trust building, collaboration and growth. It all starts with the perception of a request, then the emotions, its meaning to us and then what we decide next.

An interesting quote caught my attention, made me think and inspired this article,

"It was important to the coaching staff. So I made it important to me,” someone said, adding, “I would recommend that — if it’s important to them, make it important to you."

We can’t always make what’s important to others feel important to us yet it’s also true that there many times when we could do so and choose not to, for a variety of reasons. We rationalize or we don’t give effort to overcome our emotions that lead to disinterest or rejection of assisting people.

“If we're in true resonance with ourselves and those in our lives, we likely wouldn't need to 'make' something important to others, important to us,” says Sarah Hawley, Founder and CEO of Growmotely. “Why? Because it's not about the thing, it's about our baseline of operating being from a place of mutual respect and honoring of what those in our lives need, desire and value, and accepting and making space for that.”

Getting to that point emotionally and psychologically can prove to be a task which is why knowing and practicing sound strategy is necessary.

“I would say this is a good opportunity for some reflection and introspection,” Hawley says. “Asking the question to ourselves 'What is my resistance here?' to gain insight into whether the resistance is about the thing, or about the person. Once we can understand where it truly lies, we can dive into ‘Why’ and ‘What is this showing me about myself that I'm resisting-avoiding.’”

This use of questions and putting our thinking —not ourselves — on trial can stimulate a smart investigation into the meaning behind our motivations to learn valuable lessons about ourselves.

“What needs more work? What needs to be healed? What shadow needs to be brought to the light?” Hawley says.

I’m not a mind reader, how can I possibly always know what is important to people in my profession, at work or in my personal life?

“This comes down to communication and being intentional about making space to have these types of deeper conversations and reflections,” Hawley advises. “We could also use fun exercises to open up topics of conversation regularly to get to know each other better — within a team — and what's important to each other.”

This valuable personal development can aid professional development, which is about more than technical skills — it’s relating skillfully and successfully with people.

It starts therefore in the mind.

“As an individual, cultivating a curious mindset and approach to life is a personal journey and practice, but something from my experience that's incredibly valuable and over time increases my connection with others is practicing asking questions, listening and observing our own assumptions and judgments that arise,” Hawley says, “then being curious with ourselves —perhaps in a journal —about where our own stories, ideas and beliefs come from.”

Humans are emotionally oriented, a strength and a challenge both for decision-making and relationships. Putting what is important to others in front of our own self-interest is not always simple or desirable. When that’s the case, and if it’s important to us to show respect and sincere care towards them, a dilemma can develop.

Knowing the objective and how to frame the situation can move us towards clarity.

“The goal isn't necessarily to personally find importance in something another person finds important. The goal is to respect and honor the person themselves and to accept and honor that they find something important,” Hawley says. “If it's important to them, it's important for us to accept and respect that.

“We are all different, with different life experiences, ideas and interpretations of things. That is ok. That is beautiful, and I'm sure the world would be a much more peaceful place if we stopped labeling things as good or bad, right or wrong and simply remained open, curious and accepting of other people and their views.”

When our motivation is low and the need of others is high and the potential to serve an individual or team is available, there is a place for us to move towards. Our capacity therefore is high yet there is an emotional impediment leading to disinterest or resistance. Overcoming this challenge requires a plan.

“For me the healthiest way to do this, with the most integrity, is to get curious with myself as to what my own blocks and resistance might be. To stay open to the fact I may not have the full story or picture. To put down any beliefs I may have that are causing blind spots,” Hawley says.

Introspection, poise and honesty can prove a dynamic approach to question our motives and decisions. This process however doesn’t have to become negative self-talk.

“This doesn't mean I have to change who I am, or my feelings or perspective about something, but it may allow me to unpack something I can't see within myself,” Hawley says, “and to find a deeper layer of growth and expansion that's being well hidden in my psyche.”

This just might help us see our thinking and habits clearly or in a new light and improve our self-awareness, social-awareness, empathy, decisions and relationships.