‘Some People Don’t Want Help So They Can’t Be Helped’

There is a common societal belief that insists some people are lost causes, that they can’t be helped, and one reason is that they don’t want help.

For some critical observers in society, this has become an inarguable absolute truth, yet there are others who don’t see it as so black and white.

Communication Intelligence magazine discusses it with a variety of sources who came to similar and different conclusions.

“It’s a complex web of individual experiences, perspectives and, dare I say, moments of vulnerability,” says James Cunningham, staff writer and health and senior performance coach at Total Shape.

“I've come to realize that the willingness to accept help can often be influenced by factors like trust, timing and the way the offer is presented.”

Perceptions are not always reality.

“It’s not always about an inherent resistance to assistance,” Cunningham has learned. “Sometimes, it’s about not feeling understood or fearing judgment.”

He further explains that, “I’ve seen instances where people who initially seemed unreceptive to help later opened up when they felt a genuine connection and empathy.”

Cunningham doesn’t deny that there are people who react poorly to opportunities for assistance.

“Now, don’t get me wrong, there are certainly individuals who for various reasons might be more resistant to help. It could be pride, fear or a myriad of other factors,” he says. “But as someone who believes in the power of human connection, I’d say it’s crucial to approach this idea with a nuanced perspective.”

Cunningham’s viewpoint is that the question could use refining.

“It’s not about whether people can or can’t be helped,” he contends. “It’s about understanding the depth of their needs, meeting them where they are and creating an environment where acceptance of help becomes a possibility.”

A mental health professional details some of her professional experiences and what’s happening in certain circumstances.

“This quote highlights a common challenge that we face when working with those dealing with anxiety and other mental health needs,” says Whitney Coleman, the founder and owner at Jade Clinical Services.

“People often find themselves in a position where they desperately need help but at the same time are resistant to help due to feelings of anger, fear, isolation and shame. These emotions cause resistance and create barriers between those needing help and those trying to help whether they be mental health professionals or friends or family members,” she says.

The challenges that people accepting help are real and if they do begin the process it’s critical for them to be well received.

“It’s extremely hard for people to reach out and once they do, it’s even harder to open up or admit they need help, which means is up to those providing help to be patient and empathetic,” Coleman says.

However, if they really are not in the mindset for that assistance, it is not going to go well.

“If people are not ready to tackle their struggles and accept help, they can inadvertently display increased acting out behaviors or experience increased anxious symptomology and continue to resist help from others,” Coleman says. “This is actually so common that people will enroll in services only to ‘ghost’ a therapist, not long after starting services.”

That’s why, she asserts, “It’s important to approach people with empathy, understanding and patience, “ because, “Knowing where their resistance stems from and some of the feelings they may be having goes a long way toward helping them move to acceptance.”

Another professional questions the overconfidence that certain individuals either don’t want help or can’t be helped.

“It’s definitely not an absolute truth. I mean, people are complex beings, right?” says Samantha Odo, a real estate sales representative and the Montreal division manager at Precondo. “There’s this whole spectrum of reasons why someone might resist help. It’s not always about not wanting it; sometimes, it’s about pride, fear or even a lack of awareness that they need assistance.”

She elaborates to paint a more vivid picture.

“I’ve come across situations where folks are so accustomed to handling everything on their own that the idea of relying on others feels uncomfortable or foreign to them,” Odo says. “It’s like they've built this fortress of independence around themselves and asking for help would mean tearing down the walls they’ve carefully constructed.”

There’s a variety of reasons why people appear to not want help and for observers to conclude they can’t be helped.

“There are instances where individuals genuinely don’t realize they need help, maybe because they're caught up in their own challenges or they haven’t fully grasped the extent of the situation,” Odo says. “It’s not necessarily a conscious decision to reject help; it’s more about being in the dark about their own needs.”

“It’s this nuanced interplay of emotions, circumstances and self-awareness that determines whether someone can or can’t be helped,” Odo says. “The key lies in understanding and addressing the underlying factors that contribute to their resistance, whatever they may be.”

Frustration that compels people to engage with a professional who can help them doesn’t necessarily mean that the timing is right to be assisted.

“I had a client who was feeling stuck and overwhelmed in a job that turned out to be completely different from how it was described when she was hired,” recalls Karyn Ezell, an executive coach at Karyn Ezell Leadership Coaching. “Her understandable feelings about her situation colored her performance in interviews for other jobs and she sought coaching for getting unstuck and making changes in her life.”

The pain and blindness to possibility made the troubling perception difficult to move through.

“My client wasn’t able to do anything in our sessions except talk about how awful her current circumstances were,” Ezell says. “She was unable to see anything but being stuck, despite having several great options already available.”

It led to unnecessary suffering.

“She was more committed to being stuck than she was to making changes towards the life she wants. Subconsciously she didn’t want help and she cancelled her last three sessions with me,” Ezell says. “When she's ready, she’ll make the changes she wants to. She didn't want help, so she can't be helped, but just for right now.”

“While I believe that there are individuals in the world who do not want help whatsoever, I also believe that their environment is a big determining factor in whether or not they end up seeking the help they need,” says Kristi Hedrick, a freelance public relations specialist.

Kristi Hedrick

“I have seen individuals firsthand who struggle with mental health issues but don’t think it’s necessary to seek help for it due to the environment in which they were raised. What I mean by this is that the stigma around mental health is still very prominent, even in this day and age,” she adds.

“There are people out there who don’t believe that mental health issues are real or even exist, and if this is the type of environment that someone struggling with mental health issues is growing up or has grown up in, then the chances of them seeking any sort of help for themselves is minimal.”

Feeling vulnerable is not desirable or easy for most people, especially if the challenges are significant. “They may fear that they’ll be seen as weak if they admit to their struggles,” Hedrick says.

“They likely don’t feel that they have a safe place within their environment to speak about what they’re struggling with, or if they have tried speaking to a family member about their mental health struggles, they may have been shut down or even told it’s all in their head. Individuals like these will sweep the issues under the rug as if they don’t exist.”

Hedrick is forthright in communicating that she has lived through her own challenges that necessitated professional assistance.

“If an individual is suffering from mental health issues and lives in a supportive environment, much like the one I was lucky enough to grow up in, then the chances of them seeking help are much higher,” she says.

“Growing up I dealt with mental health issues such as anxiety and depression. There were people I thought I could confide in, who would tell me my anxiety was ‘all in my head’ and when you hear people you trust begin to tell you this repeatedly, your own brain will start to question whether or not it’s true.

“I knew that it wasn’t something that was just in my head, because anyone suffering from anxiety knows that you can physically feel it. How is something you physically feel not real or all in your head?

“Thankfully, I had a supportive family environment that was caring and loving, so when I finally went to them regarding the issues I was struggling with, it was easier for me to move forward with getting help because I knew I had a huge support system behind me,” she fondly remembers.

Hedrick’s conclusive belief is one she wants to share.

“No one and I truly mean no one,” she strongly expresses, “should ever have to suffer in silence when it comes to mental illnesses.”