The Types of ‘Apologies’ That Fail

Ryan McCormick is the co-founder, and a media relations specialist, at Goldman McCormick Public Relations.

Sometimes apologies are rejected as insincere, because they are low effort and lacking in thoroughly communicating the wrongdoing and the negative impact, are not exhibiting humility or willing to suffer consequences.

Rejection blocks any hope of forgiveness and an opportunity to earn restoration of trust. So what types of apologies are likely to fail?

“The ones that lack any kind of sincerity or genuine remorse,” says one communications expert. “Some people say ‘I'm sorry,’ simply to pacify others or to put a check-mark on their to-do list, says Ryan McCormick, the co-founder and a media relations specialist, at Goldman McCormick Public Relations.

The ones that fail the smell test, so to speak, are usually easy to discern.

“If your gut feeling tells you the apology isn't authentic, it probably isn't,” McCormick says. “If someone is not giving you proper eye contact or their feet aren't pointing towards you — a major body language ‘tell’ — or the tone of their speech seems rushed, chances are they're not sorry.”

He details what should happen to increase the probability of success.

“A true apology should be face-to-face whenever possible. The offending person needs to look into the other person's eyes and not only explain that they are sorry but, (but) why they are regretful and ashamed of their behavior,” he says. “The offending person should also discuss the corrective actions they are taking to ensure that their previous demeanor never repeats again.

“That latter part is so important because it reveals that ultimately, something good will come from a less-than-pleasant experience.”

There is a second kind of apology that falls short too, McCormick says, one that might not immediately come to mind or be believed.

“Another type of apology that fails is when the offending person does not also forgive themselves for their actions,” he asserts, going on to describe the “why” behind his statement.

“The guilt they feel will always permeate their mind and their subconscious mind which could lead to the subtle formation of self-sabotaging beliefs and the idea that they should be punished for their actions. The guilt, which can grow, can essentially hold that person hostage and prevent them from attaining their best and happiest state possible.”

Ideally, McCormick believes, what remorse and contrition are intended to accomplish are an emotional, psychological release for the parties within the conflict.

“A true apology is a liberation for both people. It is the shattering of negative emotional binds which once held you and another in an unpleasant state of being,” he says.

To the one being apologized to, McCormick, from his experiences, offers an interesting, surprising recommendation.

“The person who is the recipient of the apology should also forgive themselves,” he says, “Because even when they are 100% in the right, it can be hard for people to accept that they have been the victim. Doing this is a powerful step in absolving anger or guilt associated with the incident.”

When it comes to apology, it might not be a negative or selfish to look back in time and examine old offenses, and McCormick says, and consider how people could still be struggling with what happened to those people.

“I don't think it's a bad idea for people to actively seek out and make peace with others from their past that they didn't treat well. I do this a lot. You have no idea how your actions could have and could still be affecting them,” he states, going on to explain a recent personal experience.

“Earlier this year I tracked down a classmate in elementary school that I wasn't nice to, and apologized. It felt fantastic. We actually had several things in common and we get along great.

“Why not make your list of the individuals that you can potentially reconcile with in the new year? Liberate them and yourself from negative, binding emotions that could very well be preventing both of you from having more fulfilling lives.”