When Your Communication is Confusing

A regular frustration in communication takes place when people don’t feel they are able to help others comprehend what they’re saying.

This is true in business, workplaces, relationships and with strangers. It seems as if there is an unseen block to understanding because how the communication is being conveyed is not helping the other person or people connect the dots, regardless of the amount of back-and-forth interaction.

Usually and eventually, the person trying to get a point across, feeling like they are being as clear and obvious as possible, disconnects and checks out of the conversation or gets angry and continues on in the exchange in an escalated emotional state, feeling flustered, disrespected or superior.

The brains simply are not aligning.

The person is communicating the best they know how and are shocked and annoyed they are not being understood. The person attempting to learn the meaning is not being obstinate and not trying to remain confused. They are not trying to be disrespectful. They just cannot put the pieces together.

What is happening here? Two people are speaking “different” languages.

What’s next?

Liza Kirsh

“When someone is becoming frustrated because their point is not coming across as intended, it’s important to take a step back and practice active listening,” says Liza Kirsh, chief marketing officer at Dymapak, which develops and produces child-resistant packaging solutions. 

“Most people’s default is to over explain,” she says. “Instead, ask the other person what they’re hearing or not understanding. Sometimes, there’s a simple miscommunication that can be corrected. Other times it might just be one point that they’re stuck on and you need to figure out a way to explain that specific point better.”

“I think back to the old children’s game Telephone,” says Nick Gausling, managing director at the Romy Group, which helps specialized business to consumer businesses increase their bottom line, “where one person whispers a story to another and the retelling repeats down a chain until the last person attempts to tell the original story. Inevitably, the retelling is different than the original.

“While this is primarily an illustration of how information can be obscured across multiple parties, it can also happen at the initial stage of one-on-one communication.”

Responding often becomes emotional. That impulse to react in a substandard way that is unhelpful and usually rude can be overcome.

“I’d suggest taking a few deep breaths and try to center yourself,” Kirsh says. “If necessary, ask the other person if you can continue your conversation later. Sometimes taking a break can not only diffuse the negative emotions you're feeling, but it will also give you time to re-enter the conversation with a different perspective.”

Nick Gausling

Reframing what’s happening is another advisory tip.

“When troubleshooting this sort of communication block,” Gausling says, “think of it like a factory. You have what you think — raw materials; what you say — the process itself; and what’s received — the final product. To solve the communication breakdown, you need to look back at each part on a micro level and identify what specifically is being lost in translation.”

This investigative work may not be another task that is welcomed yet it is important, if not crucial, to learn where the communication gap — and likely answer — is for comprehension.

“The trick is to figure out what they’re not understanding and why they’re not understanding it,” Kirsh says. “Only then can you begin to explain yourself effectively.”

If there is still stalled comprehension, she has a recommendation.

“If all else fails, bring someone else into the conversation who does understand you,” Kirsh advises. “Many times a different voice can be helpful. Either their tone of voice has a different effect or they’re able to explain your point of view in language that makes sense to the other person.”

Finally, it doesn’t hurt to consider the benefits of a short reminder list.

“Be humble, listen and tag in someone else if need be,” she concludes.