‘You Like Talking but…’

Chuck Wisner

When we’re competent and confident many of us like communicating that verbally. That however may not be best way of interacting with people for the objective at hand, says one executive.

“You like talking,” Infosys Consulting CEO Andrew Duncan told his consultants, before addressing a problem when too much of it is happening, “When you’re talking, you're not listening and if you’re not listening, you’re not learning.

“Listen, absorb the environment.”

While Duncan was speaking to consultants, it doesn’t just apply to that profession or group of people. It applies to all of us. Yes, talking and conveying expertise or providing directions is important, just not at the expense of more time spent asking questions and patiently, genuinely listening to feedback.

The general idea about what Duncan said, says Chuck Wisner, the author of The Art of Conscious Conversations: Transforming How We Talk, Listen and Interact, is “what he said also applies to salespeople and executives: there is a deficiency of tuned-in listening and much more, too much at times maybe, talking. Unfortunately, effective listening is a forgotten stepsister to talking in most professions.”

A reason for this preference and habit of overtalking could be rooted in our upbringing and modeling, says Wisner, who is also a consultant and advisor, serving companies like Google, Rivian, Apple, Tesla, as well as Harvard Business School, the Detroit Mayor’s Office, General Motors, Shell and Chrysler Motor Company.

“Our addiction to talking results from our being always taught to have the answer and to be the smartest person in the room,” he says. “We hold and defend our positions and perspectives because they are part of our identity. With our attention on talking, listening takes a back seat. We are trained to be ‘knowers,’ not ‘learners.’”

With the question of why mostly or fully answered, the next curiosity becomes how to improve and listen more — and do it better.

“Being more conscious in conversations with others starts by being more aware of our conversational patterns,” Wisner says. “Another step is to become a better observer of interactions in general.”

He stresses consciousness because humans aren’t as perceptive as they might believe.

“We often participate in a conversation on autopilot,” he says bluntly, adding where that usually leads, “When we are in control mode and on autopilot, our attention is self-focused and our minds are teeming with lots of egoic chatter, readying us for defense.”

That’s why it’s beneficial to address it. “We can counter that pattern by determining which type of conversation we're engaged in,” Wisner advises.

Habits are constantly reinforced from school age to professional work.

“From early education to business careers, we are rewarded for telling our stories and proving our point. We advocate to win and disprove other viewpoints, the opposite of collaboration,” Wisner says.

And there’s a name for it.

“I call this closed-fisted advocacy,” Wisner says, going on to explain what he means. “We enter a meeting, holding and telling our stories with closed fists. When others join in with their clenched fist, battles ensue,” therefore, “Collaboration requires we advocate with an open hand, revealing our facts, thinking, logic and intuitions.”

To gain necessary and valuable insights, something different has to occur.

“Listening requires that we inquire into other perspectives with questions that make it safe for them to reveal their thinking and intuitions,” Wisner says. “Open inquiry is how we learn about other’s concerns, desires and standards. It is a prerequisite for collaboration, co-creativity and making wiser decisions.”

What isn’t always thought about, he claims, when we overtalk and have an objective deficiency of listening is “loss.”

“We miss opportunities when we want to control a conversation,” Wisner says.

Improvement is possible by “Cultivating self-awareness of your communication patterns. Many of our habits and patterns of talking and listening were taught or inherited from our families and cultures. Be mindful of your communication habits: Do you tend to jump in with a strong opinion? Do you tend to dominate discussions? Do you consistently steer the conversation back to yourself?” Wisner says.

Honestly and regularly going through this process might be revealing and uncomfortable yet also valuable. “Awareness of your patterns can be disconcerting but it is also your first step to improving them,” Wisner says.

“Practice putting some of your conscious attention on others and the energy in the room,” he recommends, because, “A small shift in attention toward others will help you pick up cues of tension, apprehension and psychological safety issues, which helps you ask questions with curiosity and less judgment.”

One way to talk a little less and listen a little more is to constantly implement and exercise a particular habit. “Practice open inquiry: Asking good questions is the easiest way to invite others into a learning conversation,” Wisner says. “Embrace silence and pauses: Understand that silence and pauses have their place in effective communication.

“Allow moments of silence to occur naturally, as they can encourage the other person to share more information or insights. Embracing silence also gives you time to process the information and respond thoughtfully.”

In short, he advises, “Set a goal to listen first, ask questions second and advocate with an open hand.”

“Effective communication,” Wisner says, “involves a dynamic exchange of information and ideas.” It’s not a one-sided talking to, as the saying goes, with someone or a group. “It’s a dance of telling and asking, advocating and inquiring, knowing versus learning.”

When this is working and humming at peak effectiveness, much higher-level communication will be taking place.

“The dance done well will create more meaningful interactions and better decision-making,” Wisner says.

NEW: You can take a look at it here.