Instincts and Psychology Make Receiving Feedback a Chore Yet It’s Possible to Overcome It to Prosper

Minette Norman of Minette Norman Consulting

NEW SERIES: Sixth of Six Interviews

“The trick to viewing feedback as a gift is to be more worried about having blind spots than hearing about them.”

James Clear
Author of Atomic Habits
Writer and speaker

Minette Norman
Minette Norman Consulting
Leadership speaker, consultant and author

It is simpler to communicate that feedback should be welcomed than actually emotionally, psychologically feeling that’s factual and true.

“There's wisdom in James Clear's statement,” says Minette Norman, a leadership speaker, consultant and author, “although it glosses over how hard it can be to view feedback as a gift.”

Receiving it excitedly or positively is not natural. It’s usually difficult.

“As human beings, we want validation and acceptance for who we are,” Norman says. “When we receive critical or ‘constructive’ feedback, our automatic, biological reaction is to get defensive. Our amygdala goes into action and our fight-flight-freeze reaction can take over.”

Protective defenses are common in instinctual reaction. These are walls that are thick and tall yet prevent learning.

“Anyone who wants to be better leader, employee, colleague, partner, friend, or member of society needs to learn to tame our defensive reaction to feedback and instead respond with curiosity and an open mind,” Norman asserts. “A pause and a breath can calm our brains enough to listen to and hear the feedback.”

She poses a question about the importance of hearing from others, even when we prefer not to, regardless of the value of it.

“Why is feedback so essential? Because no matter how self-aware we think we are, we all have blind spots,” Norman says.

“We see the world through our own lenses, based on our own personal experiences. We don't see our own implicit biases. We may have noble intentions, but our intentions don't always align with our impact on others. Our behavior may be harmful or dismissive to those around us, and we may be utterly oblivious to this impact unless we receive feedback,” she adds.

One block to creating a mind reasonably comfortable and receptive to hearing what others are observing and analyzing is what we think of ourselves.

“The ego takes over when we think we know everything we need to know, or we think of ourselves as superior to others,” Norman says. “It also takes over when we are insecure and feel we have to show off our abilities because we're afraid of being revealed as imposters or ‘less than.’”

What could prove helpful, she says, is “If we can think of ourselves as works-in-progress, we (can) take the first step towards humility over ego.”

As for the “how” to get to that point, Norman has five simple directions to move away from ego and towards humility:

“Get curious about other people's perspectives rather than focusing only on asserting our own by asking, ‘What am I missing?’

“Practice listening to understand, not to rebut or refute someone else's ideas.

“Remind yourself that everyone is human, and just like you, they are beautifully imperfect.

“Share your own mistakes and failures openly with others.

“Find the humor in your own fallibility.”

While professionally, responsibly listening to or reading feedback is not a joyful task, it can be learned and become a skill.

“It’s entirely possible to change our attitudes toward humility and ego by changing our behavior — and it's a virtuous circle,” Norman says, adding “the more we can let go of our need to be right and best, the better our relationships, the more people want to be around us, and the more we will enjoy learning from others.

“It’s no fun being the know-it-all,” she says, no matter what people might believe and maybe more importantly, “and no one likes a know-it-all.”