Building Trust and Avoiding Key Mistakes to Prevent Being Initially Disliked

Sara Weand is a Licensed Professional Counselor and DBT therapist

This two-part Communication Intelligence Special Series, beginning today, examines the topic of how to approach a situation where people don’t initially like you.

Now, you might say, “so what, who cares,” and I would respect that reaction. I’d add that the response to a request for sources to discuss this matter was surprisingly voluminous.

Since human beings are emotional by nature, it appears many people have had experiences with this struggle of being initially disliked or distrusted, or are educated about it, and were motivated to communicate.

“People often struggle with trust due to being hurt before. Because of this, they put up walls, in an effort to shield themselves from further emotional pain or rejection. While this strategy may be helpful from experiencing any more pain, it often causes more problems in the long term,” says Sara Weand, a Licensed Professional Counselor and DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) Specialist.

Weand, who works with clients on how to communicate more skillfully with others and increase interpersonal effectiveness adds that, “Communication is not just communicating verbally. Effective communication incorporates what is said and what isn’t. This is important. Sometimes what isn’t said is more important than what is said.”

She suggests a helpful three-pronged approach for success, focusing first on mental engagement.

“Be present. This means that when you’re trying to establish a trusting relationship, avoid multi-tasking,” Weand says. “Demonstrate an open presence with your body and actively engage in the conversation. In other words, pay attention to what they have to say and not at your incoming text messages.”

Sincere curiosity is a rapport and trust builder she recommends.

“Ask questions. When you ask questions, it shows you’re interested in the other person. It communicates that what they have to say is important and worthy of attention. When you’re trying to build trust, asking questions and showing interest in the other person opens up more dialogue and opportunities,” Weand says.

It’s a human need to seek and want affirmation and acceptance. Offering those courtesies and humanity to others can inspire connection.

“Validate. Validation is such an important factor in instilling trust. It demonstrates that you’re invested in the other person. It means that you understand and get the other person. It creates a sense that the other person matters,” Weand says.

Building “liking” is important as is knowing what to not do and then avoiding that thinking and behavior. Weand makes four recommendations on this front, labeling it, “What not to do.”

“Prioritize being ‘right’ over being effective. It’s much more important to be able to communicate effectively than always being ‘right,’” Weand says, providing an example.

“Let’s say that you’ve been bumped by your airline due to them overbooking the flight. You are reasonably angry due to this. When you prioritize being right for example, you would approach the ticket counter in an aggressive manner, stamping your feet and yelling loudly, demanding that they reissue you a seat on the plane. Your anger is justified and you are, in essence, ‘right’ that the airline messed this up for you. However, is this the most effective way to handle this scenario?

“Nope. You may get what you want because of your angry outburst, but it isn’t the most effective way to communicate. Being effective means, putting aside your ego, and not cutting off your nose to spite your face,” she says.

What should be an obvious dangerous approach is still practiced by people, at great risk, that being less than authentic. Weand says it’s an error to, “be disingenuous.”

“People who have trouble trusting others will often be able to tell when someone’s being fake. When you’re genuine in your interactions with others, it can help demonstrate authenticity. Communicating in a genuinely authentic way promotes trust because it shows that you are being yourself and (are) open to increasing connection,” she says.

Lastly, she says, it’s shortsighted decision-making to be overly self protective and Weand discusses the mistake of putting up our own walls.

“When you’re trying to build trust with someone, putting up your walls will definitely not convey trust. In other words, you need to allow yourself to be vulnerable. Vulnerability is not a weakness or something to be avoided. When you put yourself out there without knowing the outcome, you are demonstrating vulnerability. It shows the other person that you are approachable and allowing yourself to be truly seen,” she says.

Weand agrees this is not simple emotionally and psychologically for many. She advises it anyway.

“This can be a very hard thing to do and yet, is one of the best things you can do to help build trust in a relationship.”