Gaining More Likability and Peace at Work

Stephen M.R. Covey, noted best-selling author on matters of trust

This is part two of the Communication Intelligence Special Series on how to approach a situation where people don’t initially like you.

Stephen M.R. Covey knows well about human interaction and the dynamic of connection and disconnection, as the Global Practice Leader and co-founder of the FranklinCovey Global Trust Practice.

He’s also the author of The New York Times and #1 Wall Street Journal bestseller, “The Speed of Trust: The One Thing That Changes Everything” and the upcoming book (April 5th release) “Trust & Inspire: How Truly Great Leaders Unleash Greatness in Others.”

The Thought and Question: Communication through words and action is a powerful conduit to gain acceptance with people who don't initially trust or like you. Most of us find that not everyone we meet is open to experiencing us well and reacting favorably, especially in a professional context.

This is a problem that baffles and frustrates many. Learning how can professionals can use communication of words and actions to build ethical rapport and trust, immediately or gradually, is a worthy topic of discussion. 

“I’ve spoken on trust in more than 50 countries around the world, and there are as many perspectives on trust and building trust, as there are styles of communication. More than any other question I’m asked on the topic is the age-old dichotomy: ‘Is trust earned, or given?’” Covey says.

The answer to that riddle is simple, yet still possesses complexity in regards to a particular person or group in question.

“With as many as 5 generations at work today, there are a few common trends with which camp people tend to fall into,” Covey begins to explain, adding, “Traditionalists, and those more on the ‘baby boomer’ end of the spectrum tend to see trust as something you earn. Millennials and younger generations tend to see trust as something that is given. After all, ‘why hire me if you’re not going to trust me?’ My answer to that question is always the same, an emphatic ‘yes!’ Trust is both earned, and given.”

Connection and likability can be a difficult equation to study and understand. Sometimes, it may not even make logical sense on the surface.

“Where someone starts on this question matters less than their willingness to extend trust in the first place,” Covey says. “I’ve worked with leaders in countless organizations where trust is low, yet the organization may be filled with trustworthy people. In fact, it’s very common to have two trustworthy people working together, and yet to have no trust between them if neither party is willing to extend trust to the other.”

He states the challenge that inspired this series, addresses it and points to the way that he is confident can prove helpful.

“Everyone wants to be trusted, and people want to trust others, but this can be hard to communicate for a variety of reasons,” Covey says. “I’d offer two suggestions for those looking to build trust, and to build it fast.

“First, give to others a person they can trust—that is, focus on your own credibility. You can communicate that by making and keeping commitments to others. You do what you say you’re going to do. When you make a commitment, you build hope. When you keep a commitment, you build trust. Second, lead out in extending trust to others. Even if you start in small ways. Look for ways that you can communicate ‘I trust you’ — and then match your behavior with those words. Too often today so much of our behavior communicates the opposite.”

This isn’t always easy and Covey knows as much. It’s an unfortunate reality. Yet there are ways to personally develop and increase the probability of the behavior that we all would like to consistently see from others. We can also learn how to, within reason and calculated risk, extend openness to others.

“You may have people in your life who struggle to trust others, and that’s ok. You can model trusting them,” he says. “Trust is reciprocal in nature: when you give trust, it inspires people, and they tend to give it back.”